February 28, 2017

The Liquid Face Lift - A Natural Approach

It's the home stretch.. my last and final months before I hit the big 4-0. I have many #goals for myself as a mother and for my business but those are not nearly as fun to discuss as what I like to describe to my husband as "my road to 40" #goals. One on the list is to have "flawless skin".  By flawless I mean the skin of a 25 year old who has never seen any sun damage. I realize this is completely unrealistic, but this will not cease my efforts.

This brought me back to Laura Kimberly at Suite 10 in Wellesley. Laura had previously done the "Vampire Face lift" procedure on me that I blogged about last February. At the time, there was a lot of press and research backing that procedure for it's collagen building benefits. That treatment is still beneficial for collagen building.  However, one found side effect (which is great for Laura's male hair restoration clients), is that some women who have a tendency to grow darker, thicker hair, were growing unwanted hair, i.e; mustaches and neck hair  #holyshit.  So…. change of plans. The Facial Resurfacing and Restoration Therapy is no longer done using the PRP at Suite 10.

The Restoration Therapy is a total facial resurfacing and restoration.  It is a minimally invasive  process which stimulates your skin's natural ability to heal itself and in the process produces collagen and elastin as well as increases hyaluronic acid (which is water content) in the skin. Results are proven to treat aging, pigmentation, scar tissue, pore size, texture and tone and stretch marks.

Ok, now for the Liquid Face lift... Laura strongly believes Sculptra is the way to go for collagen loss as opposed to filling the face up with synthetic fillers that can look unnatural, puffy and lumpy. Sculptra is a collagen stimulator that naturally effects the body's collagen production. Sculptra is not a quick fix and results are not immediate which can deter a lot of people from the procedure. It takes 6-8 weeks to start building back your own collagen and lasts anywhere from 2-3 years depending upon the individual.  For me, it was a no-brainier, and I'm willing to wait it out. I would rather look like a better version of myself when I was younger, as opposed to a horrible version of someone I never was.

I have put together a visual guide of the good vs. maybe they should have re-evaluated along the way (In my personal opinion).  I included Christy Brinkley even though she claims to only having had Botox once before and not liking it, #imsorry #totalbulllshit.  She's 63, and I realize she's trying to sell her skincare line and book, and sure,  her healthy diet and amazing hair and makeup team undoubtedly have helped matters…but she's still a liar. If she really wants to catapult her book sales to another level  she should write an honest book about what she really does to look this incredible at 63. She would make a killing #justsayin.

So, based on seeing a lot of unnatural results on people that I would deem as "bad", I went with the Non-Surgical Face lift (Sculptra) with the Facial Resurfacing and Restoration Therapy immediately following, per the recommendation from Laura. She expressed that the Restoration Therapy drastically improves the overall result of the Sculptra. Also, I really needed the resurfacing, and truly nothing works better than this procedure!

Now,  I am NOT a huge fan of putting myself on camera make-up free after my face has been shot with hundreds of needles, is red, peeling and is less than attractive.  But I think a video does far more justice chronicling this experience than photos ever will. Therefore,  I will take one for the team and take you through my experience via video and give you an idea of the process.

Please note, all of the after care treatments and video logging below are for the Facial Resurfacing and Restoration Therapy portion of the treatment.

Liquid Face Lift & Collagen Induction Therapy Session

Keep in mind the first part of this video is the Sculptra. Laura put the product in the areas of the fact where there was the most collagen loss. This obviously differs per individual as to where they have the most loss or how much collagen loss they have. So, where she injected my face, may not be where she would inject someone else.

Laura sends all her patients home with an at home after care kit and detailed instructions. 

The next series of videos are day's 1-3, then days 5 & 7 with my final results from the Facial Resurfacing Restoration Therapy. I'm going to apologize in advanced for the VERY poor video making/editing skills. I think my head is chopped in 1/2 in one or more of these entries and then I am utterly belligerent in more than one #sosorry.

Day 1 - Sunburned appearance, some red spots, very dry. 

Day 2 - Wash with cleanser, add sunscreen into the mix and you can wear makeup. I tried wearing tinted moisturizer and some bronzer... #hotmessexpress by midday. My skin was too dry for any makeup and it was all flaking off. 

Day #3  - Same regime as Day #2. SUPER dry! Flaking, redness has subsided a bit. 

Day #5 - Still very dry. I put full makeup on and it was not easy going on. It looked awful in natural light due to all the flaking. I continued with the Hydraulic filler, sunscreen, rose water spray and a heavy moisturizer. 

Day #7 - I apologize for the foul language in the end. However, I am very happy with the results. My skin was smooth and the texture had greatly improved. I still have some acne scaring on my chin that will require at least 1-2 more treatments, but I'm very happy with the results. 

As I mentioned in the video, if you can get past my anger.. I will update this blog posting in about 9 months with a photo timeline of how the sculptra does it's thing over time.

For info on Laura Kimberley and her work, check her out on Instagram @ estheticscenterne. Suite 10 is located at 14 Mica Lane in Wellesley, MA , however Laura has many clients in Miami and NYC and travels often.  If you're interested, call the Wellesley office 781-235-4957 and they can get you set up. 

January 05, 2017

Bed Buddies For Life….. Is This Natural?

The Author of this Quote is a better woman than I will ever  be….

Weather you're married, life partners, or whichever relationship status title you may have given yourself and your respective "bed buddy", I'm going to assume that you share the same bed each night.  We all know why people are in the bed together at the beginning of the night,  but do they need to sleep there together all night? Sleep is of the utmost importance. There are endless studies that support this, so perhaps some people would get a better nights sleep if they were alone in their own beds. I'm not suggesting separate rooms. I think that's a fast track to trouble. I'm not even advocating separate beds. It's simply food for thought, a fun conversation starter if you will. Is it normal to share a bed with a person for the rest of your life? There are so many things that can go awry that are cause for disruption in what could/should otherwise be a peaceful nights sleep.

When I was growing up, my little sister and I started out sharing a room and my younger brother had his own room. Then as we grew a little older, each of us had our own rooms. Regardless of that, every single night my sister would come hijack my bed. I never understood why because we each had queen sized beds. This literally lasted until she would come in to find that I had snuck my boyfriend in the bed and there was no room left for her #timetogotoyourownbedsista. She is what I would define as a "needy sleeper". I don't think she could bare the thought of not sharing a bed. I  happen to think there are many people like this out there.

When you're in a new relationship, I get it , you're in love and you just want to be close to the person at all times.  You open your eyes in the middle of the night and the other person is staring at you to watch you sleep.  This is totally normal #ifyouareaserialkiller. But then reality and sensibility kicks in, and you realize that you have to start getting some sleep. Most men that I have dated have wanted to basically sleep on top of me, like cuddle me to death #passplease. Christian will say "let me know if I'm bothering you", because he knows how I am and doesn't get easily offended. That as it may,  he still has to either be holding hands or have a foot touching while we sleep #compromise. Couples figure out what works for them and in their relationship. But somewhere along that road, there are lumps in the mattress, so-to-speak.

After much discussion surrounding this topic over the years, and with many different people, I've come to realize there are plenty of common as well as not-so-common (non-sexual) issues between the sheets. I will start with what I would deem as the most collective issue, therefore making it the most problematic in terms of sleep disturbances, amongst us sleep deprived bellyachers.  Consequently,  this would make the "victims of the snorers" (sounds like a horror movie),  question our future "real estate" options within the bedroom or home,  as it relates to sleep. #locationlocationlocation

 Snoring - Christian travels five months out of the year and as such,  I get the bed to myself. On the nights where he is home, it's a god damn disaster... snoring, farting, rolling all over the place…It's a sleepless night for me. I spend my entire night trying to battle the on again/ off again snoring.  I take every solitary pillow in my room and pile them up on top of his face to muffle the sound just short of suffocation. If this doesn't work, I  then bluntly elbow him, and pretend I'm sleeping. He then will find the 700 pillows piled on top of his head,  look over at me pissed off, and the snoring resumes to it's original chainsaw-like decibel level. I should mention, the snoring in the Fall occurs because he gains 15-20 lbs, when the weight comes off, the snoring then stops #viola #backtomysilentsleeper.

I'm doing it wrong

Odd Quirks -  I know there are a lot of individual quirks that each of us possess in the comfort of our beds and in front of our chosen loved ones.  My sister, (she's going to kill me... again)  has an obsession with putting lotion on her feet and does so throughout the night. So much so, that her husband bought her an automatic lotion dispenser. However,  it doesn't stop there… she wears these romper style PJ's that have been tagged "the skunk pelt".  I believe they have been named this  because they are so worn the material only covers... well apparently nothing.  I suppose this might sound appealing to some, however when she lotions her feet 7,000 times a night  in the skunk pelt, she exposes both her vagina and asshole. I'm pretty sure there isn't anything sexual about someone continually lotioning their feet throughout the night with their buttonhole in your face. #callmecrazybut #supersoftfeet #softlikealadiesbutthole

Sleep Walking - There are several categories of sleepwalkers. This is not a factual nor clinical statement, I'm just saying this based on my data, which is purely a collection of funny stories from friends and family.  One type would be what I like to call "closet eater" sleepwalkers.  This is your average get out of bed, open the freezer, eat a pint of ice cream because it's way better to eat when nobody is watching, type of sleep walker… aka, #meandeveryothergirliknow! Oh! and this person isn't actually sleepwalking, but we, I mean they,  say they were sleepwalking.  Another category of sleepwalking would be what I call the "creepy as fuck" sleep walker. This is my daughter Emmerson. She will get up, come downstairs, pick up a toss pillow, run around the living room in circles giggling, go to the bathroom, and then go back to bed. I really hope she outgrows this before she starts dating. Lastly would be your everyday "psychopath sleepwalker". I am going to protect this person and not reveal his identity because he's actually not a psychopath at all.  My favorite example of his antics (according to his wife, because he does not recollect any of these events) would be when he got up, opened the window and started whistling out the window as if he were calling for a dog. His wife was sitting up in bed, silent, not knowing what to do, when he suddenly came back to bed, punched her, and fell right back to sleep. We laugh at this story because this is NOT an abusive situation (in his waking hours). But.. this might be an instance where they may want to consider separate rooms. #justathought

Sleep Talking - Talking in ones sleep in my opinion, is funny as shit! But I don't sleep next to a sleep talker, and therefore I can laugh at  the expense of others here. My ex husband used to speak in Italian in his sleep because it was his first language. It was of no use to me because I had no idea what he was saying. My friend's husband is a police officer and he clearly sees some crazy things because she says he shouts some insane things out in his sleep. My favorite story from her is that he shouts out… almost nightly..."BREAKER".. like he's in his patrol car on his radio.  You must  get the full effect though... picture it yelled out of the corner of his mouth, really loud and super fast towards the end.. Like this "BRRRRREEEAAKR"!!!! I hope I just did that the justice it deserved. If Christian was a sleep talker, I would take videos and post them on Instagram. It would be a nice addition to the sleep album which will hopefully make a nice book one day #yousnoozeyouloose.

Bed Wetting - I'm fairly certain we have all heard about a "friend" who's boyfriend peed on her in college because he got really drunk. Well, college is over and if someone is still wetting the bed because they drank too much… #growup. If there are other issues causing your mate to wet the bed, perhaps there are some circumstances for which he/she should be consulting their physician. I know of a couple that was super happy, newly engaged and then suddenly...not.  I came to find that the issue was that he was wetting the bed. I still don't know what the cause of issue was. Nevertheless, this would for sure be a deal breaker in terms of sharing a bed, never mind what it would do to the relationship as a whole. This would  make for a great "Sex and The City" episode if it were still on. Perhaps for the 3rd movie?  It's like the episode when that politician wanted Carrie to pee on him, except different. #unwantedgoldenshower

 This list could certainly develop and continue on as wives, husbands, girlfriends and boyfriends alike air their bed buddy grievances. Some of us share beds, some may have decided on other arrangements years ago that better suit their needs. #whateverworks! #whatevermakesyouhappy!

August 26, 2016

Pet Peeves - Perhaps we all need to Chill

My sister and I found ourselves saying all too often "oh my god, that's my biggest pet peeve"! Then we realized there should probably be a limitation as to how many "pet peeves" one person should really be allowed before they are just considered a whiny a-hole. So I think it went from five, to three. Three seems reasonable. I mean, why can't I be super annoyed with three things without  being deemed as uptight? I think there are some "pet peeves" that are somewhat universal.

Let's define "pet peeve". According to Wikipedia a "pet peeve" is a is a minor annoyance that an individual identifies as particularly annoying to themselef, to a greater degree than others my find. According to the Urban dictionary (my dictionary of choice), it's an irritating experience caused by others in which you cannot control.

I'm going to start with my own "pet peeves" in no particular order because those whom exemplify such behavior all suck just the same.

Lazy People - I realize this is totally vague and how does one really define a lazy person in a short paragraph? But I will give some brief examples.  Also,  I realize I may not be making any new friends with this one, but here I go regardless… If you don't work all night, don't have a newborn,  if your kid wasn't up all night sick, and you don't have insomnia, (there are other situations unmentioned, Im aware) then put your damn clothes on when you drop your kids off at school if your getting out of the car, or running into Walgreen's or Dunkin Donuts. Nobody needs to see your nasty faded out flannel Pajama pants that you've clearly been farting in all night at 9am. Also, if your house is in shambles, you don't need your afternoon nap.  Clean your house. I could write an entire blog on laziness, but I think you get the idea here. Just be a productive human being. I'm a total douche with this one I realize.

The non-wavers - I read this to my husband and he said this was a Seinfeld episode. I never saw it…. This makes me insanely angry.  When I allow someone to go in front of me in traffic, thus waving them through, and then they drive through like entitled fuckers and don't give me the courtesy thank you wave back, I see red. It makes me want to chase them down in my car to let them know I take back letting them go in front of me. However,  I know I would then look crazy, so I just drive along knowing I did a good thing and that piece of shit  is going to crash his/her car #karma:)

Late People - Ok, of course there are extenuating circumstances that make us all late every now and again, but if I'm going to be late, I am sweating, apologizing profusely, letting the person on the other end know to the exact minute when I will be arriving. I cannot stand lateness. I think it's disrespectful and rude. You now you need to be somewhere at a specific time, plan accordingly. Everyone has a busy life. I have 3 kids and a company, You will never hear me use that as an excuse. I find that "late people" are always late and they usually just stroll in chill as can be not really sorry for the lateness. I have learned to lie to my late friends and family about the actual start times of events. #ifyoucantjointhembeatthem

Here are my Husbands :

People who Fish for Compliments - He doesn't do Facebook but all his friends are on it so he knows about all the facades that go on. He hates when people portray themselves as something they are not to elicit a certain positive response. The whole "look at me, aren't I awesome" when reality is the total opposite. #allshownogo

Litter Bugs - This is self explanatory. I hate a dirty car so this is usually a negotiation.. Not that I support littering but if it's something an animal would enjoy, I'd like to let it fly.

Smokers - He hates smoking, and even more, hates when smokers throw their used cigarettes out the car window (see littering). He thinks that it's their choice to smoke and why would we have to deal with their cigarette trash in our environment. #truth

Now below is a list that I have compiled from family and friends alike. I feel as though after everyone reads this blog post we will all be super aggravated with humankind in general,  or conversely feel better about our own individual annoyances.

Loud Chewing - I feel like this is pretty universal as this came up several times. This is just part of having good manners, or not.

Being Interrupted - It's funny that this was mentioned, because I do find this to be irritating. I go out with my husband, my sister and brother in-law and they are so loud that when I try to tell a story they all just talk over me. It's uncanny the person who added this one to the list actually….

Repeating Oneself - #what?

Loud Walking - Ummm this person should never come to my house. There are a bunch of elephants here and my 4 year old is the worst one.

People Spitting - I mean… does anyone enjoy this?

Men or Boys Picking their Nails in Public - Yeah, why don't you just clean out your belly buttons while you're at it boys #notsanitary.

People who Refuse to Accept Responsibility for their own Actions - This is a big one! Lack of integrity just means you're a shitty person #theend.

Train Assholes taking up 2 seats - Amen! These people should be sat on.

Slow Walkers/Cell phone users - I'm going to take this as people who are walking and texting on their cell phones at the same time. I wholeheartedly agree. In fact, I think they should pull over to the side as if they were driving. This is dangerous and could cause a pile- up of strange people on the side walk and nobody wants that.

Pumping Gas - Ok, I appreciate a full service gas station myself. Not sure this would be considered a "pet peeve" though. I may declare this individual a tad high maintenance/cranky.

Gym "sweaters"aka  people who sweat too much at the gym - Well shit… your just gonna hate on someones gym hustle? #thatscold.  I do understand if they don't clean off their machine, but that was not specified.

Loud Train Talkers - Agreed! You know this dude is making a fake call discussing his multi-million dollar deal, and he's screaming so loudly about it so that all of his train mates are super impressed with his powerful status #NOT #shutthefuckup #noreally

Ill Fitting Sweat Pants - Fine this is mine again. Think 80's hanes with the elastic ankles. Nobody should wear these, adults nor children. Christian has a hideous pair of sweats.  They are light grey and huge. He works out in them and then they get sweaty and even more repulsive and he rolls them at the top. There are pockets…. I really need to just make them disappear. My girlfriends all make fun of me because I refuse to wear sweatpants. This should really be my second #3. Sweatpants are a slippery slope.  Who looks good in sweatpants? With men, there are so many things that can go terribly wrong, I won't elaborate, I don't need to. With women, don't you think there are other things that look better that are just as comfy? #idigress. My Pet Peeve is really Men in sweatpants because I cannot handle looking at their package in sweats. There you have it! #toomuchwiggleroom.

This is NOT OK! And this is #bestcasescenario

I'm going to end this there. But please do let me know some of your pet peeves.


April 06, 2016

Adult Spring Break Done Right

There many different kinds of vacations. The "work" trips which by definition in our family consist of a trip with all of the kids that are not in any way shape or form relaxing. There is fighting, crying, lack of sleep, shared beds all around, someones always coughing all night or talking in their sleep and in turn someone else is totally pissed off.  It's days and days of sleep deprived children and parents feasting off of junk food that we would otherwise never be eating. Or desperately searching for a restaurant that doesn't have a 2 hour wait, or better yet, a restaurant that will cater to all the kids finicky needs.  Let's be honest, it's not fun, it's work, it's grueling. There are lots of fun moments, but at the end of the day, the parents are more exhausted after the trip than before we departed. Don't you feel like you need a vacation just after reading this?

Then there are the "once in a lifetime" trips. Maybe you travel to Europe for 2 weeks, or perhaps you're on and African Safari or wherever your "once in a lifetime" trip happens to be.  There are quick weekend getaways,  ski trips, adventure trips... there are so many kinds of trips one will take in their lifetime. But…. Christian and I just hit the holy grail of trips in terms of basic necessity when you work hard in your career all year, and you work hard day in and day out with the daily hustle with the kids… you know the drill, sports, homework, meals, bath time, bedtime routine….blah, blah, blah… As parents and career folk, and many of us whom juggle both, we cram and shuffle a lot in our daily lives. So what better way then to escape it all with your closest friends and partake in an Adult ONLY Spring Break.

We pretty much encountered perfection where this concept is concerned so I feet equipped to offer you some key points of what  "To-Do" in order to make your trip as successful and fun as ours was.

1. Get a Badass Crew Together - This is without a doubt THE most important part of your trip. No Debbie downers allowed. You cannot allow that bad energy into your trip. Fun First! We were very lucky our whole crew was amazing, down for whatever, whenever. If a couple wanted a head in a little earlier one night because they needed to take an Arubian pregnancy test to make sure they weren't expecting another baby… no problem! Respect every ones vacation and don't expect anything from anyone. There is no space for uptight people. Leave them at home with their whiny kids.

2. Assign a Mixoligist for each Day - The guys hit the local liquor store and bought enough liquor and mixers to open up a side business. The plan was for each guy to man the bar and make drinks on the beach everyday for the group. I think Christian and Tim ended up the bartenders most days, but it was a good plan nonetheless.  #teamwork

3. Music Video's are a Must!  - I never knew about this app, but it's called "Triller", it edits music videos for you and it's amazing! We did 2 videos,  one of which is totally gangsta, the other….mmmmnotsomuch. We have all the words down perfectly in the "gangsta" video and the other one is a hot mess. But it's on the beach, we caused a huge scene and most importantly we had a blast making it.  My point is, when you are with all of your friends, you just can't give a shit. We had so much fun making it and who knew that "Uptown Funk" was so hard to lip-sync! The "G-thang" video broke up our little party via the hotel security.... as mentioned #gangsta.

4. Sunscreen - Ok, I realize this sounds totally ridiculous, but when your go away with your friends you want to be able to hang, so here is my public service announcement. Wear your damn sunscreen!      
Our friend Tim, apparently a master tanner, put on an accelerator for indoor tanning beds on day 1... he's tan year round and he was so red he was practically purple.  My brother-in-law ended up with the nickname "baby huey" (photo below) and in the spa all afternoon in a seaweed wrap sucking his thumb crying for his mommy with a horrific sunburn while we were all partying on the beach. Don't be baby huey. Wear your sunscreen so you can hang with your friends. 

5. Group Dinners - Respect that everyone may be coupled up and may not always want to do the group dinner thing but try to do at least one big group dinner. We did a few, and the first night I thought we were going to get kicked out due to our completely filthy topics of conversation and loud crew.  However, our game of "Dare" really made not only the other restaurant goers fall in love with us but the staff did as well. This is something my sister and I have been doing for years. We eliminated the "truth" aspect out of the "truth or dare" game and we just go for the fun part. So, to give you some ideas, we had my nephew go crash and sing with restaurant entertainment that evening. We also had my sister and my cousins wife do shots with various tables on their knees and say "whaaaatttttsss uppppp".  We had my nephew also convince the waitress to take her glasses off and shake out her pony tail like in the scene from "she's all that". This may be a "you had to be there" type of moment, but this required some serious skill.

6. Experience the Locals - Weather it's a sunset cruise or a cab ride with a driver named Honey complete with  props and cheetah velour seats, it's always fun to experience one "touristy" thing while you're away. It's Adult Spring Break, you are with all your friends, sans children, #letloose.

7. Leave the Nickel and Dimers at Home- This is a good rule for life and not just for your Adult Spring Break, but it's imperative for your vacation. There is nothing worse than the couple that sits there and whispers about the bill together like they are negotiating over the sale price of a home.  Then when they pop their heads up  and they come back with "we will thrown down $40 because Susie only had a Caesar salad and an ice water"….. It's vacation, just know that you are going to be spending money, plan accordingly or don't go.

8. This isn't the Chain Gang- Look, just be cool, be easy breezy breezy and fun. Do not expect all your spring breakers to follow an itinerary. Just because you all came on this trip together, does not mean you need to be attached at the hip. Some people may want to go on a boat cruise, some may want to drink themselves into oblivion in their beach chair, some may want to do paddle board yoga. Respect every ones vacation and differences. I have been on trips before where people got mad at me because I didn't want to do what the "group" was doing that particular day #notcool. Everyone paid for their trip,  everyone is on their own vacation and should be able to enjoy it as they see fit. So long as everyone understands and respects this, there shouldn't be any issues.

9. Upgrades - Leave your pride at the door.  A wise man once said, (I'm not sure whom, because Christian hijacked my blog, which he's been dying to do,  and added this part, he may in fact be the "wise man") "it never hurts to ask" or "the answer is always no if you don't ask". I personally get mortified when Christian asks because he's like a bull in China shop... lacks finesse. This is an art form and requires a certain charm and while I find my husband charming in a rough around the edges kind of way, usually people who don't know who he is, do not.  Needless to say, we did not obtain an upgrade. This is kind of bullshit given the amount of money we spent on our wedding, but whatever.   Our good friend Tim was charming by nature and got the mack daddy of all upgrades where we were ultimately all able to party and get kicked out of due to some other uptight, non adult spring breakers, whom complained of our video making on the balcony, which by the way, was crucial in the success of our video #totallyworthit. My point is, have the smooth talking charmer in the group finagle an upgrade large enough to party like rock stars.

10. What's on Deck? - There is nothing more depressing than that last day of vacation when you know that reentry into reality is just hours away. The best way to deal with the post vacation blues is to plan your next getaway. It gives you a ray of hope in your otherwise monotonous daily life when you are just coming off of the best trip ever. Not only does this help boost your mood on the last day of the trip, it's great e-mail and texting fodder for when you are sitting back in your office with your fading tan and diminishing relaxed demeanor. You always need a trip on the horizon #amust #tillnexttime!

I would like to dedicate this blog entry to Tim Allen Brewster who suddenly passed away on March 19, 2016. Tim was family to us and a wonderful friend. He set the tone for our trip and made it the most amazing time for everyone because that is who he was. We are so thankful to have had this time with Tim and will cherish these memories forever #NOFILLERS

Click LinkSlide Show for Tim

February 24, 2016

Top 10 Reasons of Why Being a Lesbian is Appealing

Sometimes I daydream about how great it would be to live alone in a nice city apartment, all white furniture, no fingerprints anywhere.  If there is a dish in the sink, it's there because I left it there, or  I could order takeout every night instead of cooking dinner.  Then I realized that I enjoy interaction, and living alone would get lonely and what I really need is a wife. This brings me to my list. Here are my top 10 reasons of why being a lesbian is so appealing.

***Disclaimer - When I discuss men or women in my list, I want to preface, I I don't imply that this encompasses ALL men or ALL women.  I'm going off of friends stories and my personal experiences both past and present day.

1. No time for illness - Most women will shake off a common cold or even the flu and carry on about their day. I have known men who will require a Dr visit for a cold and or demand medication, lay in bed, whine, whimper, buy every OTC medication, down NyQuil at bedtime, just simply bitch. Christian just sent me a photo of a zit he had on his ass and said he needed to go to the Dr. At 10pm, he was going to get out of bed and go to the Emergency Room.  He has not had a Dr. in years but you better believe he had me find him one over this. If I had a wife, and we were both sick, nobody would ever know. #carryonnow

2. No finger licking - Get your mind out of the gutter. Christian and I were driving to NYC this past weekend and we were eating some foul gas station spicy trail mix. We didn't have any napkins and I think I wiped my hands on his seats (whatever, his car is gross anyways),  I could hear this loud smacking noise and out of the corner of my eyes I see his huge sausage fingers, one by one being cleaned off via his mouth. He saw me look at him in utter disgust because his response was "what, I always do this"… #Ican't #gagreflex. The germs alone…. there are so many things wrong with this. I don't think a wife would do this. Certainly no wife I would choose.

3. No Loose Undies - I have a theory that men have a difficult time throwing old underwear away. You know the kind that have holes in them that are ill fitting and lack elasticity basically all over. I'm sure that gay men and metrosexuals are excluded from this particular topic but then again, I'm not sure. I think it was the day before Christian and I had to go to the  town hall to get our marriage license,  he was walking around in quite possibly the grossest pair of underwear I have ever seen…. he farted and I said to him "you want me to marry you"? Suffice it to say we threw that underwear out that day. Women are very good about purging old underwear. I don't keep any for more than a year and we sure as hell don't wear loose fitting underwear that hangs down. #highandtight

4. Help with Laundry - There are 4 steps to doing the laundry... wash, dry, fold and then putting it away. I don't think men really understand that the latter 2 steps are the biggest pain in the ass and the most time consuming. If you're going to help with the laundry, help with steps 3 and 4. 1 and 2 are kind or useless. A wife would really be helpful here. I feel like we would really connect on this topic.

5. No Sports on TV - No explanation needed. I have exhausted every mini series on Netflix on my phone. I blame my failing eyesight on this.

6. Soft Feet - There is nothing worse than getting into bed and  getting stabbed by a sharp toenail. Or….feeling sandpaper rough feet on your legs. Women for the most part keep up with their pedicures and if we had a broken toenail you best believe it would be filed down. #hammertimeneednotapply

7. Quick in the bathroom - I have to factor in another 30 minutes onto Christian's workday because when he gets home he goes up to the bathroom and stays in there for a solid half an hour. I have never understood this. Girls don't go #2, but if they did, it would take 2 seconds! Just be efficient. I seriously think that they go in there to escape from the kids. It's just 30 more minutes of sports blogs, twitter or whatever floats their boat. But to put it bluntly… nobody needs to shit 1-2 times a day for 30 minutes. Girls don't poop or fart so there is nothing to dispute here really. I'd be winning with a wife.

8. Help with Hair/ Makeup -  I have always said that if I hit the lottery, I would love to have a personal makeup artist and hair stylist on staff because after having kids, I loathe getting ready. If I had a wife, I would have to find a woman in the beauty industry.  This would honestly be a dream. If Christian attempted to do my hair and or makeup I cannot even imagine… actually, I am going to ask him to have a crack at it and that will be part of another blog topic. I will post a photo. It will be tragic I'm sure.

9. No Razor Hijacking - I cannot for the life of me understand why razors are so damn expensive. But they are and I try to use mine for as long as possible. There is nothing more irritating than opening a fresh  razor with a nice new gel pad to find that it's clogged with your man's ball sack hairs. Sorry, but it's true. There's no bouncing back from that, It needs to be thrown away. A wife would stay on top of her grooming first off and therefore would not cause such destruction. Second, she most likely would have her own razor thus exhausting any possible annoyance over grooming.

10. A Timely Handyman - Look, I'm well aware of the games I play in order to get a picture hung, the recessed light bulbs changed or something ridiculously heavy moved. I ask 700 times,  then I attempt to do it myself in front of Christian so he thinks I'm going to fuck something up, because truly the threat of breaking my neck isn't great enough motivation. This isn't just Christian, it's been most of my past relationships as well. I have a handyman that I used to call and it was a great relationship. I call once, he came over, the tasks were completed, he got paid. If there was an issue here It's that I had to pay him, but it was only $30 an hour and he was really efficient.  I know most men are too proud for this but a wife…. NO WAY!!! In fact, I have a very long list for him at the moment. It's too bad I don't really have a wife. #ohwell

October 10, 2015

Our Engagement

This is dedicated to the love of my life who is the self proclaimed female in this relationship and has endlessly requested that I write this blog entry despite my massive discomfort with putting any serious personal details of my life out there. I hope you are happy as I sit here in a full sweat preparing to write this.  I may very well pass before I hit "publish":)

I would love to say I was totally surprised. Christian and I did things a tad backwards to say the very least. We knew that we would eventually get married but "life"  tends to get in the way. Christian is very familiar with Pinterest and a while back asked me to start pinning what I liked for an engagement ring, so I knew that things were not too far off.

Starting on a Saturday while Christian was away in NY for work, I received a small bouquet of flowers with a nice message. I thought this was just simply a nice gesture. Sunday came and I received a larger bouquet with another nice message… this went on for the next 3 days and with each passing day the arrangements were becoming larger and larger.

Our Funeral Home

Wednesday we were heading to dinner for Christians birthday and the flowers arrived right after we left so Christian had our babysitter take a photo of the flowers and the card that went along with them. The card read "because I won't let you go"…. Well, I knew that "I won't let you go" is "our" song by James Morrison, but our babysitter must have literally thought that Christian screwed up big time! House filled with flowers… the card with what seemed to be a crazy message.. great!  So on our ride to Boston I was constructing a text to her explaining, but then realized I now sounded crazy, so I figured I would just explain later.

 Its Christian's birthday and I'm getting all the flowers, I thought something was up for sure,  BUT… I never expect anything because realistically,  a girls brain would assume one thing, and a guys brain would be thinking about sex or his next meal and therefore he would not actually be planning anything remotely resembling what I have pictured in my head. (Classic  example of men and women being from different planets).

Christian typically has me select the restaurant for special occasions where he's being celebrated but this time he decided to pick.  He chose the "The Bristol" in the Four Seasons, which was probably the best meal I have ever had,  incredible! It had a quintessential Boston vibe but it wasn't at all stuffy or filled with an after work business crowd. Christian and I always say all of "our" restaurants are in NYC but we are coining this our go-to place in Boston. #latetotheparty

First we headed to the bar for a drink. We each had our drinks in hand… but out of nowhere comes a man in black and he hands me a cranberry and soda, (which I didn't order) he said "just a piece of advice, you need to leave this out for at least 3 hours before you drink it",  he also handed me a bouquet of yellow roses, which are my favorite. I immediately started laughing because this is an ongoing joke in our home. I pour myself a cranberry and soda and drink 3 sips and I leave it out all night. I won't go on too much here, but everyday I get a "oh hey, you going to drink this"  while pointing to a big watered down warm glass of cranberry and flat soda. When I die I want one next to my coffin.

When I was writing this, I decided to look to see if there was a glass next to my bed - yup! 

 Still giggling, we head to our table. By this time I figured something was up, but again, Christian's brain is totally whack so I don't try to pretend like it operates logically, with organized well planned out thoughts building up to a big surprise at the end.  At this time Christian is getting all emotional and deep (haha, you asked for this). We are eating our appetizer and then out of nowhere another MIB (man in black) comes flying over and starts saying in this thick New York accent "you….you are hot!!! No.. you are beautiful…  actually, you are hot and beautiful, but you are hot... here's my number" then he throws down a piece of paper with a phone number on it as well as another bouquet of yellow roses. So.. now I'm looking at Christian, wondering who the hell these people are?! Also, I'm looking over  my shoulder and nervous for anyone dressed in black, scared for what they may do next.  This last bit was another ongoing joke because Christian needed to be schooled on when it's appropriate to use "hot" vs "beautiful".

Christian kept making me pose with the roses - cringe

Clearly up to no good
Dinner came, and so did another bouquet of roses and this time, keeping me on my toes, it was from a girl in a tan trench coat.  She said "hey did you guys lose 2 tickets, because I found 2 tickets for a midnight train to Georgia, last stop Christian town". Well apparently she screwed that one up because Christian wasn't  too thrilled with the delivery. Years ago we discussed our "go to" karaoke songs. Mine was and still is "Midnight train to Georgia".  Christian's vision is that I sing this in a packed bar somewhere.  I told him that when he's on his death bed I will grant him that final wish. This visual in his head is truly one of his life long dreams and probably because I can't sing for shit.  I think he envisions a replication from the  karaoke scene  in the movie "My Best Friends Wedding" where "Kimmy" played by Cameron Diaz committed to her awfulness and the crowd was cheering her on and it was her big "moment". Hopefully I die first.

Little did I know that someone was creepin and taking photos from the park across the street:)

Christian was starting to get antsy and check the time. He wanted to take a walk in the Boston Public Gardens and despite the fact that I did not have walking shoes on, I obliged. As we headed in the lobby of the Four Seasons I saw a random guy on a bench  with a guitar and then I saw more flowers #crap. The guy asked if we wanted to hear a song… I suppose we had no choice.  The guy starts singing another James Morrison song, "you make it real". Years ago, (the Don Juan days), Christian was trying to sing this to me (I'm laughing out loud as I type) and he was singing all the wrong words. At the time, I was letting it go knowing that I was just going to make fun of him at a later date #iamtheguy #heisthegirl #iamadeadguy.

 The guy is playing a guitar in the middle of the hotel, he then stands up and he and Christian proceed to serenade me, loudly.  The guy purposely sang the song with the incorrect words. I turned my whole body into the wall and buried my face into my hands #mortified. People in the lobby are clapping, dancing and yelling. Unlike Christian, I hate when people are staring at me and I hate drawing attention to myself. #iwantotdie.

You Make It Real - James Morrison - click on the link 

Christian obviously enjoying the stalker vibe  of all of this

At this point I am ready for a jog in the park. I grew up in Boston,  I'm 38 years old and I have never been for a walk in in the Boston Public Gardens, #patheticiknow. We were approaching a bench and Christian was talking about how this could be "our bench" in Boston.  We have a special bench in NY outside of Magnolias Bakery in Soho where we eat cupcakes, which is why he brought up this particular bench being "ours".  I guess we could eat baked beans on it….kidding #gross. He put all the flowers down and grabbed my handbag and started getting totally awkward and actually couldn't really speak. I'm not quite sure what he said because it wasn't actual English but I knew he got down on one knee and pulled a box with a ring in out of his jacket.  I saw these paparazzi  flashes of lights and that totally caught me off guard. It took me a minute to realize he hired the photographer. There were people in the park yelling congratulations. The moment was truly surreal.


So… He hired the actors from the comedy improve in Boston. He had given them a mini script and then being that they are improve actors, they ran with it. Now looking back, the people in that restaurant must have thought we were absolutely nuts!

On the ride home Christian played the recording of when he asked my dad for my hand in marriage (yes, he recorded the whole thing with out my dad knowing). It was hysterical because most of the conversation was the two of them trying to cover up my Dad's misstep earlier in the week. He mistakenly asked me why Christian wanted to come over and talk to him #whoops. Their game plan tactics were seriously weak. If this were two women this would have been locked up in 2 seconds flat #justsaying.

the excuse for the visit was tequila - WEAK!!! 

Despite the fact that this wasn't a total surprise and we both knew it, it was incredibly special, memorable, unique to us and thoughtful.  Though I wouldn't have ever thought this up in a million years, I wouldn't have   pictured it any other way. I can't wait to be your wife, and I hope this accurately illustrates everything you planned for us that evening.  This was one of many adventures, and the beginning of many more to come.


October 03, 2015

Girlfriends Guide to The Vampire Facelift

Aging is not a topic that I take lightly. I came into this world kicking and screaming and I will exit in the same manner when it comes to the battle of the aging process. I'm always researching the latest lotions, potions, facials,  and non-invasive medical treatments.  I'm all for doing whatever makes you feel better about yourself, but I think moderation is key #hellokyliejenner.

I have tried Microdermabrasion, Hydrafacials, Chemical peels, botox,  and every possible line of skincare you can imagine. I even got roped into Cindy Crawfords line.. which is absolutely horrendous by the way #sorrycindy. Most of us have our "problem area" that we obsess over and we are our own toughest critic and tend to see things that most others will never see. Regardless, if it bothers you, and you want to improve upon it and feel better about yourself,  then you should. 

About a year ago, I remember seeing Kim Kardashian on IG with a photo of herself getting a facial with blood all over her face. At the time, I thought it was some crazy fad and never gave it a second thought. Over the past few months, I kept hearing more about this Vampire Facial. I heard that It will be THE procedure of the future over the next 5 years to come. After much research and consultation with highly trained professional and botox maven Laura Kimberley I decided this would be a great alternative as well as it would really rebuild my own collagen as I lost a lot after having my children #suckedthelifeoutofme.

The Vampire Facial is the safest procedure for anti-wrinkle and collagen building with the longest lasting results. Most will need 2 treatments. The second treatment should be done 6-8 weeks after the first for optimal results. You will see the collagen development after about 6 months and continued improvement as the months go on. I am open to trying any new anti-aging treatment, so of course... I set up my appointment immediately. 

 First Laura numbed my face for about 15-20 minutes. The tool she uses does have a bunch of tiny needles that puncture the skin allowing for the plasma to penetrate, so the numbing is crucial.

With chunks of numbing lotion on my face -  pretty:)

She then drew my blood. The blood was then centrifuged so the platelet rich plasma can be isolated from the other substances that make up the blood. The platelet rich plasma contains growth factors, and the needling combined with the growth factors induce new growth of collagen, blood vessels, and skin tissue.

My fountain of youth

Center fusion machine

The forehead was "pinchy" as she explained.... #ithurt. The rest of my face was not painful. The whole procedure took 90 minutes from start to finish. Immediately after, my skin was SUPER dry. This is typical and this dry phase will last several days as your skin is repairing.

I will apologize in advanced for all the selfies... But I did want to show you the results below.

right after - VERY DRY!!!!! 
I am one full week out right now and I will say, I do see a tremendous improvement in the lines under my eyes which was the "problem area" that was most bothersome to me. The dryness is subsiding and  my skin is glowing! I cannot wait for round 2 as I know that results will be amplified. Also, as an aging woman #ughhhhhhh the loss of collagen is my biggest battle and that will be my greatest benefit to come. The tough part with that is that there is no instant gratification. #patienceisavirtue

Day 1 - Dry, felt like a sunburn, I put tons of hyaluronic filler on all day,  no makeup

Day 2 - I wore tinted sunscreen and bronzer, by noon the bronzer was flaking off and I looked gross. 

One week - I have tinted sunscreen and bronzer on,  no more flaking, my skin is really smooth and glowing, love the result! 

There are not many things that I rave about as I think results vary so much based on the individual. Botox for example is amazing, but for me, I would literally have to go every 8 weeks because I burn through it so quickly. This facial can address wrinkles, collagen loss, acne scars, sun damage and so much more. My skin looks flawless and I am so thrilled with the result.

***HUGE DISCLAIMER*** This was a "girlfriends guide" and therefore I have no idea what I am talking about, scientifically speaking. If you want REAL information and technical details, please consult with a professional. I can only tell you that it was worth the cost and I loved the result.