October 10, 2015

Our Engagement

This is dedicated to the love of my life who is the self proclaimed female in this relationship and has endlessly requested that I write this blog entry despite my massive discomfort with putting any serious personal details of my life out there. I hope you are happy as I sit here in a full sweat preparing to write this.  I may very well pass before I hit "publish":)

I would love to say I was totally surprised. Christian and I did things a tad backwards to say the very least. We knew that we would eventually get married but "life"  tends to get in the way. Christian is very familiar with Pinterest and a while back asked me to start pinning what I liked for an engagement ring, so I knew that things were not too far off.

Starting on a Saturday while Christian was away in NY for work, I received a small bouquet of flowers with a nice message. I thought this was just simply a nice gesture. Sunday came and I received a larger bouquet with another nice message… this went on for the next 3 days and with each passing day the arrangements were becoming larger and larger.

Our Funeral Home

Wednesday we were heading to dinner for Christians birthday and the flowers arrived right after we left so Christian had our babysitter take a photo of the flowers and the card that went along with them. The card read "because I won't let you go"…. Well, I knew that "I won't let you go" is "our" song by James Morrison, but our babysitter must have literally thought that Christian screwed up big time! House filled with flowers… the card with what seemed to be a crazy message.. great!  So on our ride to Boston I was constructing a text to her explaining, but then realized I now sounded crazy, so I figured I would just explain later.

 Its Christian's birthday and I'm getting all the flowers, I thought something was up for sure,  BUT… I never expect anything because realistically,  a girls brain would assume one thing, and a guys brain would be thinking about sex or his next meal and therefore he would not actually be planning anything remotely resembling what I have pictured in my head. (Classic  example of men and women being from different planets).

Christian typically has me select the restaurant for special occasions where he's being celebrated but this time he decided to pick.  He chose the "The Bristol" in the Four Seasons, which was probably the best meal I have ever had,  incredible! It had a quintessential Boston vibe but it wasn't at all stuffy or filled with an after work business crowd. Christian and I always say all of "our" restaurants are in NYC but we are coining this our go-to place in Boston. #latetotheparty

First we headed to the bar for a drink. We each had our drinks in hand… but out of nowhere comes a man in black and he hands me a cranberry and soda, (which I didn't order) he said "just a piece of advice, you need to leave this out for at least 3 hours before you drink it",  he also handed me a bouquet of yellow roses, which are my favorite. I immediately started laughing because this is an ongoing joke in our home. I pour myself a cranberry and soda and drink 3 sips and I leave it out all night. I won't go on too much here, but everyday I get a "oh hey, you going to drink this"  while pointing to a big watered down warm glass of cranberry and flat soda. When I die I want one next to my coffin.

When I was writing this, I decided to look to see if there was a glass next to my bed - yup! 

 Still giggling, we head to our table. By this time I figured something was up, but again, Christian's brain is totally whack so I don't try to pretend like it operates logically, with organized well planned out thoughts building up to a big surprise at the end.  At this time Christian is getting all emotional and deep (haha, you asked for this). We are eating our appetizer and then out of nowhere another MIB (man in black) comes flying over and starts saying in this thick New York accent "you….you are hot!!! No.. you are beautiful…  actually, you are hot and beautiful, but you are hot... here's my number" then he throws down a piece of paper with a phone number on it as well as another bouquet of yellow roses. So.. now I'm looking at Christian, wondering who the hell these people are?! Also, I'm looking over  my shoulder and nervous for anyone dressed in black, scared for what they may do next.  This last bit was another ongoing joke because Christian needed to be schooled on when it's appropriate to use "hot" vs "beautiful".

Christian kept making me pose with the roses - cringe

Clearly up to no good
Dinner came, and so did another bouquet of roses and this time, keeping me on my toes, it was from a girl in a tan trench coat.  She said "hey did you guys lose 2 tickets, because I found 2 tickets for a midnight train to Georgia, last stop Christian town". Well apparently she screwed that one up because Christian wasn't  too thrilled with the delivery. Years ago we discussed our "go to" karaoke songs. Mine was and still is "Midnight train to Georgia".  Christian's vision is that I sing this in a packed bar somewhere.  I told him that when he's on his death bed I will grant him that final wish. This visual in his head is truly one of his life long dreams and probably because I can't sing for shit.  I think he envisions a replication from the  karaoke scene  in the movie "My Best Friends Wedding" where "Kimmy" played by Cameron Diaz committed to her awfulness and the crowd was cheering her on and it was her big "moment". Hopefully I die first.

Little did I know that someone was creepin and taking photos from the park across the street:)

Christian was starting to get antsy and check the time. He wanted to take a walk in the Boston Public Gardens and despite the fact that I did not have walking shoes on, I obliged. As we headed in the lobby of the Four Seasons I saw a random guy on a bench  with a guitar and then I saw more flowers #crap. The guy asked if we wanted to hear a song… I suppose we had no choice.  The guy starts singing another James Morrison song, "you make it real". Years ago, (the Don Juan days), Christian was trying to sing this to me (I'm laughing out loud as I type) and he was singing all the wrong words. At the time, I was letting it go knowing that I was just going to make fun of him at a later date #iamtheguy #heisthegirl #iamadeadguy.

 The guy is playing a guitar in the middle of the hotel, he then stands up and he and Christian proceed to serenade me, loudly.  The guy purposely sang the song with the incorrect words. I turned my whole body into the wall and buried my face into my hands #mortified. People in the lobby are clapping, dancing and yelling. Unlike Christian, I hate when people are staring at me and I hate drawing attention to myself. #iwantotdie.

You Make It Real - James Morrison - click on the link 

Christian obviously enjoying the stalker vibe  of all of this

At this point I am ready for a jog in the park. I grew up in Boston,  I'm 38 years old and I have never been for a walk in in the Boston Public Gardens, #patheticiknow. We were approaching a bench and Christian was talking about how this could be "our bench" in Boston.  We have a special bench in NY outside of Magnolias Bakery in Soho where we eat cupcakes, which is why he brought up this particular bench being "ours".  I guess we could eat baked beans on it….kidding #gross. He put all the flowers down and grabbed my handbag and started getting totally awkward and actually couldn't really speak. I'm not quite sure what he said because it wasn't actual English but I knew he got down on one knee and pulled a box with a ring in out of his jacket.  I saw these paparazzi  flashes of lights and that totally caught me off guard. It took me a minute to realize he hired the photographer. There were people in the park yelling congratulations. The moment was truly surreal.


So… He hired the actors from the comedy improve in Boston. He had given them a mini script and then being that they are improve actors, they ran with it. Now looking back, the people in that restaurant must have thought we were absolutely nuts!

On the ride home Christian played the recording of when he asked my dad for my hand in marriage (yes, he recorded the whole thing with out my dad knowing). It was hysterical because most of the conversation was the two of them trying to cover up my Dad's misstep earlier in the week. He mistakenly asked me why Christian wanted to come over and talk to him #whoops. Their game plan tactics were seriously weak. If this were two women this would have been locked up in 2 seconds flat #justsaying.

the excuse for the visit was tequila - WEAK!!! 

Despite the fact that this wasn't a total surprise and we both knew it, it was incredibly special, memorable, unique to us and thoughtful.  Though I wouldn't have ever thought this up in a million years, I wouldn't have   pictured it any other way. I can't wait to be your wife, and I hope this accurately illustrates everything you planned for us that evening.  This was one of many adventures, and the beginning of many more to come.


October 03, 2015

Girlfriends Guide to The Vampire Facelift

Aging is not a topic that I take lightly. I came into this world kicking and screaming and I will exit in the same manner when it comes to the battle of the aging process. I'm always researching the latest lotions, potions, facials,  and non-invasive medical treatments.  I'm all for doing whatever makes you feel better about yourself, but I think moderation is key #hellokyliejenner.

I have tried Microdermabrasion, Hydrafacials, Chemical peels, botox,  and every possible line of skincare you can imagine. I even got roped into Cindy Crawfords line.. which is absolutely horrendous by the way #sorrycindy. Most of us have our "problem area" that we obsess over and we are our own toughest critic and tend to see things that most others will never see. Regardless, if it bothers you, and you want to improve upon it and feel better about yourself,  then you should. 

About a year ago, I remember seeing Kim Kardashian on IG with a photo of herself getting a facial with blood all over her face. At the time, I thought it was some crazy fad and never gave it a second thought. Over the past few months, I kept hearing more about this Vampire Facial. I heard that It will be THE procedure of the future over the next 5 years to come. After much research and consultation with highly trained professional and botox maven Laura Kimberley I decided this would be a great alternative as well as it would really rebuild my own collagen as I lost a lot after having my children #suckedthelifeoutofme.

The Vampire Facial is the safest procedure for anti-wrinkle and collagen building with the longest lasting results. Most will need 2 treatments. The second treatment should be done 6-8 weeks after the first for optimal results. You will see the collagen development after about 6 months and continued improvement as the months go on. I am open to trying any new anti-aging treatment, so of course... I set up my appointment immediately. 

 First Laura numbed my face for about 15-20 minutes. The tool she uses does have a bunch of tiny needles that puncture the skin allowing for the plasma to penetrate, so the numbing is crucial.

With chunks of numbing lotion on my face -  pretty:)

She then drew my blood. The blood was then centrifuged so the platelet rich plasma can be isolated from the other substances that make up the blood. The platelet rich plasma contains growth factors, and the needling combined with the growth factors induce new growth of collagen, blood vessels, and skin tissue.

My fountain of youth

Center fusion machine

The forehead was "pinchy" as she explained.... #ithurt. The rest of my face was not painful. The whole procedure took 90 minutes from start to finish. Immediately after, my skin was SUPER dry. This is typical and this dry phase will last several days as your skin is repairing.

I will apologize in advanced for all the selfies... But I did want to show you the results below.

right after - VERY DRY!!!!! 
I am one full week out right now and I will say, I do see a tremendous improvement in the lines under my eyes which was the "problem area" that was most bothersome to me. The dryness is subsiding and  my skin is glowing! I cannot wait for round 2 as I know that results will be amplified. Also, as an aging woman #ughhhhhhh the loss of collagen is my biggest battle and that will be my greatest benefit to come. The tough part with that is that there is no instant gratification. #patienceisavirtue

Day 1 - Dry, felt like a sunburn, I put tons of hyaluronic filler on all day,  no makeup

Day 2 - I wore tinted sunscreen and bronzer, by noon the bronzer was flaking off and I looked gross. 

One week - I have tinted sunscreen and bronzer on,  no more flaking, my skin is really smooth and glowing, love the result! 

There are not many things that I rave about as I think results vary so much based on the individual. Botox for example is amazing, but for me, I would literally have to go every 8 weeks because I burn through it so quickly. This facial can address wrinkles, collagen loss, acne scars, sun damage and so much more. My skin looks flawless and I am so thrilled with the result.

***HUGE DISCLAIMER*** This was a "girlfriends guide" and therefore I have no idea what I am talking about, scientifically speaking. If you want REAL information and technical details, please consult with a professional. I can only tell you that it was worth the cost and I loved the result. 

August 11, 2015

First Date Retake

If you could start from the beginning to that very first night where you met your significant other, would you choose that person again?

Most people portray their very best self in the beginning and I say portray because I do feel like we put out there who we want to be and not necessarily who we really are on a daily basis #deepiknow. Christian literally had me convinced that he was Don Juan/Rico Suave all wrapped up into one. I can honestly say though, (and I think my friends can attest), I'm a pretty straight shooter and what you see is what you get on day 1, day 1,000, and so on and so forth. So I won't speak in absolutes, but sometimes the wheels come off after a few months or even after the first year of a relationship.

The first time Christian met my sister and brother-in-law we went to a nice restaurant on the water front in Boston. They served an olive dish with the bread before the appetizers came out. We were all having a great time and all of a sudden my sister screams "who is spitting the pits out and putting them back in the olive dish"?!!! I closed my eyes….. #no. Don Juan has left the building.

So one night I suggested and impromptu "first date".  Christian was a disaster and ended up quitting the "act" before the intermission because he knew he was failing miserably. However, I still wanted to do this from start to finish and stay in character.  I wanted to see if I would I find Christian interesting, funny or engaging? Would I want to go on a second date?  Would he attempt to have table manners? What I'm used to now is him eating my food like my plate is under attack, so much so that I'm fairly certain that the table next to us can surely hear his fork stabbing my food.  He also drinks my drinks, disguised in "let me taste yours" which coincidentally is the same exact drink he has except that he doesn't sip his, he chugs them, which is why he wants a "taste" of mine.  Then the desert… I would prefer to eat desert rather than my meal, so when I say I want to share… I actually want 50% or more. Watching us eat desert must be like watching a tennis match.  Its stressful to eat desert with him because if I don't race him, I won't get my 50%. Ahhh alas the farting before he gets back in the car…. I know this is better than doing it while we are in the car but still. This is why I thought it would be a good idea to go on a first date again. #resetbutton

We were in Miami and we planned to meet in the lobby bar of our hotel. It didn't help that I was wearing a dress that I could barely walk in, but I scooted my way to the bar. I ordered my drink and we started with the small talk. He was visibly nervous and mentioned that he was nervous #cute. Then when he went to pay for the drinks, (which were $30 each, totally ridiculous) he complained about the price. OK! guys if you're on a first date and  you select a meeting place, I don't think you should openly complain about the cost of the drink in front of your date… #mistake1 #badform

We hopped in a cab and went to dinner at a place my friend recommended, Casa Tua. It  was hot as balls out, but the ambiance was amazing. He was very complimentary and used words like "pretty" and "beautiful" rather than the word "hot" which I think is kind of tasteless. There is a time and a place for the word but not on a first date nor over dinner. #notthetime

Casa Tua and I suppose one wouldn't really take a "couple" photo on a first date. 

Over dinner Christian mentioned that he had planned something for after dinner. Side Bar: earlier in the day he disappeared and I thought he made a call and planned something romantic and really sweet so I had some expectations #mymistake1. Well, he then proceeded to tell me that he got us a table at a female impersonator show on Ocean Drive #ugh.  I asked him where he found this place… he replied "sky mall magazine". #wtf #mistake#2

I will always roll with the punches... no romantic plans… tranny's in ripped nylons and crooked wigs... lets go! We drove up literally to this sidewalk show with the most low budget tranny's who were impersonating "The Golden Girls" at best. We sat down and watched the bad lip syncing for about 3 minutes. Christian said "lets get out of here" and that was the end of our date. We agreed to break the facade on the cab ride home.
Nothing but the best! 

In closing, I would have given him a second date for the mere fact we had some good conversation, there was obvious attraction and I'm not a total a-hole, so I would let his mistakes slide and would give him crap for them at a later date (if it were a real first date).  In this case, it was fake so I gave him crap on that cab ride home. He said I was cold at first… to which I had a wise ass comment back about his overzealous and unrealistic expectations of how a date should go in the first 5 minutes #notthatkindofgirl

I do think everyone should try this at least once though:) Have fun!

June 09, 2015

Hall Pass

This conversation comes up frequently weather it's with my girlfriends or with Christian and other couples when we are all out. I think I have had a "top 5" crush list for as long as I can recall.

This can be called a number of things.. "Hall Pass", "Get out Jail Free Card", "Celebrity Crush" or "Freebie". Whatever you may call it, in our house it has been analyzed, tweaked and discussed at great length.

Originally, the concept was that you could "hook up" with your "hall pass" and your significant other could never hold it against you. In theory this is great when discussing over a few cocktails and going over your respective lists. In our house I have been told that I would be left for dead If I practiced my right to use my hall pass and the same would hold true on the flip side. So, it will continue to be a fun conversation over drinks and the buck stops there.

This brings me to my list as it stands today. I feel like it's well rounded, and I am happy with it, though it's always a work in process and ever-changing.  I now have a 5th slot open because I had Nick Jonas in there and when I googled his photos his younger years came up and It just felt wrong. #mrsrobinsoniamnot

 I love to hear who's on people's lists as I usually end up totally surprised. I am going to post Christian's list as well. His is very random.. gives whole new meaning to #SMH.

Joe Manganiello - Need I elaborate here? Sofia is a very lucky woman.  God Bless. 

Ryan Gossling - I have specific requirements here. I  put him in my "top 5" after the movie "Crazy Stupid Love".  So I would like his wardrobe, his characteristics, and overall sex appeal that he exudes in this movie. I will tell him this when I meet him and hand him my "hall pass".  Meanwhile my friend sat next to his girlfriend on a flight home from Paris (Eva Mendes) and she had no makeup on and was apparently STUNNING and so sweet. They are both lucky. 

I think every woman should have David Beckham  on her list.  Period. 

Jason Taylor. This is a touchy subject because Christian knows him but he has been on my top 5 forever.  I never watched football but I saw Jason Taylor on an episode of MTV Cribs probably 10 years ago and he's been on the list ever since. This past Fall he was on some show talking about football and I was helping my daughter paint her nails and I looked up at the TV and saw him on there. Well much to my dismay… the channel was changed immediately:)

Now Christians List….
Sofia Vergara - Ok, I totally agree with this one. She's gorgeous. I approve! But only for discussion purposes;)
Alyssa Milano - Christian usually prefaces this selection with stating that he wants her from the "Who's the Boss" days. Well, this isn't back to the future and that's not possible. This is Alyssa Milano in 2015.
Taylor Swift - much like me and Nick Jonas I think this falls into the "Creep" category. 

Gwen Stefani - This has been in Christian's Top 5 forever. He can't explain why. He hates red lip stick so Gwen is his one exception. I think she is cool, so I am ok with the concept of her being on his list.


April 29, 2015

The Land of the Free and I Was Not so Brave

On our most recent vacation, Christian and I went to St. Maartan or St. Martin or St. Marten… I have never seen a place with so many different spelling options. In preparation, I had been looking for some new bikini's and I was wondering why I was spending so much as we would be spending so much time on the French beaches and they go topless and "when in Rome" or a French island rather. 

We were going to be without kids and modest I am not, so long as I wasn't  at risk for bumping into anyone I knew, I was going to embrace the culture. Well, pump the breaks. As we were shopping a few days prior to the trip, we ran into one of Christian's co-workers who told us that he and another one of Christian's ex teammates would be stopping by St. Maartan (I'm going with this option) on a cruise the same time that we would be there. His wife was excited and mentioned that we could have champagne on the beach and hang out.  I kept asking Christian to text them to find out what days EXACTLY they would be there. Typical guy, he never did it. 

We arrived at the beach and I would say that about 25% were topless. The Nude beach was the next beach down. Of course, we had to venture that way. I think it was the quietest either one of us has ever been at any given point in our relationship. It was like we entered another world. The chairs and umbrellas were bright yellow,  and the people were standing up and socializing everywhere. It made our beach look like Amish country. I'm going to be 100% honest… I studied all the penis's and vagina's. Christan didn't look at the guys, but I made him look on our second trip (yes, we went back). There was not a single man or women with what I would describe as a "fit" or "hot" body but "downtown" was very much in tact. They were all shaved, some had piercings, but that section of their bodies could have been in print. I was actually very surprised. At one point, there was a man walking pretty quickly and he was "blessed" and I thought he as going to "hit" me.  I actually screamed and jumped to the side,  #rookie.  He probably does this all day to see who jumps or better yet, who he hits. 

On the second day and our second walk over, when I made Christian look at the men, he was as surprised as I was but he did have to point out the one guy with the small penis #poorguy. But I will say, that guy walked tall and proud despite his shortcomings.  Our ventriloquism was apparent, I'm certain. There was a big sign when you enter this beach that cameras were not allowed, totally understandable. If there was any point where I was going to go topless, this would be it, but I know that the second I took my top off that those two guys we knew would have come rolling up. I'm not that modest but I didn't want to be looking over my shoulder every 2 seconds. 

It must be liberating to be that free to just prance around naked on the happy, bright, cheery yellow beach complete with shaved,  big penis's and perfect vagina's. I mean I will change in front of my friends but I just don't think I could socialize and stroll down the beach 100% naked. Some of these guys were sitting spread eagle in their chairs…. I suppose it must be comfy. I know there are nudist colonies in America so to say it's just a European custom would not be entirely true. Regardless, it would be liberating. Perhaps one day I won't care. #cheerstothehappynudes

March 31, 2015

To Crossover or Not?

When people ask the question, at what point is it acceptable to fart in front of your significant other, or even worse go to the bathroom with the door open? My answer is a loud and resounding, F'NG NEVER!!!!

If you have never seen the "Sex and The City" episode when Carrie farts in bed with Mr. Big, you must watch it! There were so many clips I wanted to pull. The whole thing is hysterical. I have friends that "cross over" or "broke the barrier" and I don't know how they do it. I personally think that there is an element of romance that diminishes when you cross over. This is a complete double standard. I know in my house, Christian walks  around farting all day. However, he won't fart in bed while I am in it. #decent

I recall a story (she is going to KILL me), when my sister was in her mid to late 20's living in NYC and doing the whole dating scene. I think my oldest was a baby at the time, and I got a phone call at about 8pm, she was whispering and frantic.  She was in the bathroom and her date was waiting in her studio (STUDIO!) apartment for her (I'm so dead when she reads this). She told me she went to pee before they headed out for their date. Side note; I would never have done this for the mere fact that I wouldn't even want him to hear me pee. Ok… so she was peeing and she farted. (I'm legitimately embarrassed all over again for her while I'm typing this).  I told her that I personally would never come out of the bathroom. I wasn't helping matters. The fact that she was still in the bathroom and clearly on the phone, was even more of a train wreck. She was asking if I thought he heard her, to which I'm sure my response was something to the extent of "hell to the yes"!!!! I don't sugar coat. If you want to feel better, don't ever call me, If you want honesty, I am your girl. I don't know what happened on that date, she's married to a great guy. I'm pretty sure she won't speak to me for a while now, so I can't really inquire and follow up. She will plot some form of payback to which I will return the favor and the cycle will never end. #mature

Now…. deep Breath. I have many horrifying stories but this is in the top 5 of all time. I am vehemently against "crossing over" in any shape or form.  I don't discuss going to the bathroom with Christian, I come from the school of "girls don't poop or fart".  I try to instill this in my girls, to which I am failing miserably at thus far. I always lock the bathroom door and I always go to the bathroom on a floor where nobody is located (except my kids because they are stage 5 cling on's and I cannot get rid of them). One morning, and I remember this morning vividly, I must have forgotten to lock the door.  Christian barged in like a damn Gorilla and saw me on the toilet. I got up and slammed the door on his face. We never name call,  but I'm pretty certain I called him every name in the book for  being an neanderthal, for not staying down stairs like he was supposed to, and for not knocking. His response was "you still look really cute with your pants around your ankles"…. I proceeded to cry, and I'm not a crier, I literally NEVER cry. I was furious and embarrassed and I was balling my eyes out because my boyfriend just saw me on the toilet. It was awful and I felt like I needed to break up with him immediately. How do we recover? He was totally unfazed and I was scarred for life. How do people do this? How do people fart and sit on the toilet in front of their significant others and then still have the same level of attraction? I have walked by the bathroom and seen Christian on the toilet and I felt like I needed a lobotomy afterwards. It was a visual that I never want to see again. I'm seeing it now just writing about it.  Now he knows to tell me to leave the toilet paper outside the door rather than cracking the door and throwing it at him.

My girlfriend has been with her boyfriend for a couple years and she knows that she farts in her sleep and she doesn't care about what she can't control (I would still think about separate beds). She texted me the other night and said that she was sitting on the couch and openly for the first time farted in front of him due to a combination of wine and Oreo cookies. Time to pack your bags and hightail it out of there sister! Deep down he's looking at you a little differently. Your not the shiny new girlfriend. You are the amazing love of his life that ripped a fart on the couch.

I know that I am extreme. Based on my crying episode  Christian thinks I have issues and am in need of serious help. I call it polite and ladylike. This topic often comes up between me and my girlfriends, mostly because it's hysterical and doesn't every conversation lead to bathroom talk? Do you break the barrier? Should you ever crossover? Is that the kiss of death in a relationship? Does it kill the romance? I think it's clear how I feel about this but I know opinions drastically differ here. #whateverworks

March 13, 2015

I love my kids dearly but….

I dream of exotic vacations and trips to Europe that last longer than 4 days and don't involve what I thought was a Disney princess but come to find out was a fraud. I wonder what I would do with all that extra money if I didn't have to put it into 529 plan's and If I could play the stock market a little more aggressively or...buy those boots instead of just pinning them on my Pinterest page.

She claimed to be "Belle" The faces say it all

Well, those are all just pipe dreams and things that I only have seconds to ponder over because I don't have time to actually daydream because as I write this before the bus comes, My 2 /12 year old wandered in with a life size pencil wearing her hot pink tutu and peed on my office floor.  Here are just some of the things I miss most about my "kid-free" life.

Eating - I cannot enjoy a meal unless I get a sitter and go out to dine. The very second I sit down, the kids either hijack my food or ask me to get them something. This is a great diet, but not when you are starving.  If I initially made them what I was eating, they wouldn't eat it. It's only appealing on my plate. The photo below is My middle daughter Emmerson trying to kick down the door while I locked myself in the bathroom to eat my sushi.

Emmerson disrupting my lovely sushi dinner in the bathroom

Going to the Bathroom - I don't know what it's like to go to bathroom without an audience. If I do go in there  alone and lock the door, It sounds like the FBI is trying to barge down my door using strong force. I recall a time when I was at the supermarket and I was in the midst of potty training my son. We were at the deli counter with a few other people whom were listening to our conversation and I know this because I saw them smirking. I was going through the list of his friends and family that go "pee pee"and "poo poo" on the potty and he proceeded to respond with,  "yeah mommy and you go blood" (TMI - I'm sorry) I had smoke under the wheels of my cart and suffice it to say we didn't get anything from the deli that week.

Car Rides - I used to love my car rides to work where I could listen to my music. I would listen to  Justin Timberlake, John Legend, or James Morrison, and this is when I could daydream.  Now,  the kids take turns picking their favorite song of the moment.  This typically consists of Pitbull or Ne-yo. This is fine, but it's on constant re-play and I don't get a "turn",  ever. Then the 3 kids  never want to take the 3rd seat option, they choose to sit right next to each other and this ALWAYS ends badly.  Pitbull is playing for the 15th time and someone is red faced and crying. #torture

Showers - I could easily shower for 45 minutes because I'm always cold and I used to love a nice long shower. Now, my feet hit the ground at 5am, I start the shower and one by one the kids come into the bathroom with their blankets and stuffed animals and sit outside the shower door and watch me shower (kind of like the masseuse in India). Sometimes if I am lucky, they come in and pee on me.

Sleep - I used to sleep and now I don't and I don't think I ever will again. That's all.

A Clutter Free Home - Haha!

Getting Ready - Doing my makeup and hair used to be one of my favorite things about going out. After kids, not-so-much. Now, I have to get everyone else ready first and then whatever time is left over is mine, which is usually about 10 minutes. When I do start working on myself, the girls now come in and start grabbing everything in my makeup bag and end up smearing their faces with the darkest makeup they can find.  Lately they are into having their hair curled or flat ironed which is both a process and a hazard. #learnedthehardway.  If I had a disposable income, I would undoubtedly spend it on a hair and makeup team. #dreamcometrue

Despite what I have listed above I wouldn't change a thing. I could write a much longer list of all the amazing ways my kids have changed my life for the better but that would not be any fun to read now would it?

I'm probably sarcastic in my sleep too! 

March 05, 2015

Massage Customs Around the Globe…. My Unfortunate Discovery

So you think a "happy ending" is just for men? Well I'm here to tell you that is not the case. I have neck issues and I'm always looking for a great spa experience. My work has brought me all over the world and given the long flights and  even longer workdays, I make sure to always treat myself to some sort of spa treatment at the hotel spa…I do not venture off of the reservation.

I'm going to break this down by 3 very different experiences in 3 countries.

USA - This was a very high end spa right on Newbury Street in Boston that has since closed. I had been given a "day of beauty" and a one hour massage was part of the package. I'm not a huge fan of a male masseuse and now I  actually refuse. #1, it's awkward for both parties. #2, they have to spend so much time folding the towel properly as to not expose any body parts that it just becomes an hour of towel origami.  #3, (and the issue with this particular massage), it becomes sexual or at least can feel that way. This was a 60 minute massage, and a solid 30 minutes was spent on my ass. He shaped my leg into a  number 4 (which has never been done before nor since this massage).  He then proceeded to  keep telling me that this is where I "held all my tension".  I was only 21 years old so at the time, I wasn't as brazen as I am today at 37, but I wanted to say,  "my ass is tense because I'm so uncomfortable that you won't get your hands off of it".  Well, I then had to do a backwards number 4 because wouldn't you know, the other side was just as tense. I did however complain after the fact and they offered me another complimentary massage, to which I  declined.

China - This could go in a million directions. However, I am not going to tell someone else's story, though I do have some great ones, #steeltrap.  I will simply tell my own amazing experience. China has the BEST reflexology and head massages and before the hectic schedule begins, my favorite thing to  do is start the trip off with both. I don't know many women who don't love a good foot rub.  I highly recommend this. It helps with jet lag, headaches, wrinkles and life…I wish!  However, I will say that If you're a guy, I hear that you actually need to say that you don't want  a "happy ending" or they just assume that you do and they keep on going. Interesting right? Perhaps this isn't in the Mandarin or Peninsula Hotel and may be on some sketchy side street but given my next story I wouldn't put it past the hotel massage offering. #justsaying

This brings me to my final  country and I was hesitant about even writing on this topic because I am still horrified and embarrassed. But full disclosure I suppose, literally.

India - I was 27 years old, This was my first time in India, and my 2 week buying trip was nearing an end. My co-worker and I decided we more than deserved a spa treatment after sitting on dirty floors in factories for 2 weeks picking out Holiday merchandise. She chose a pedicure (wise choice) and I chose a massage (worst decision of my life). I hopped on the bed (I kept my underwear on) and there was a thin sheet to cover myself with.  I was not thrilled with this. I like more of a cozy blanket and heated bed but, I was in India and desperate so beggars can't be choosy right? My masseuse came in. She was about 65, give or take. I was face up to start and she ripped my paper thin sheet off completely. Instinct was to cover myself  as I was cold and half naked. Then it took a horrifying turn. She started to rip off my underwear. OK, now I feel immediately violated (of course), first because I am  totally naked  and second because I'm shivering from being freezing and nervous.  She sees my discomfort and then says "no shy, we both girls". I then think to myself "OK, when in India I guess" and I try to relax.  I assumed, she was going to give me back my sheet. She did not. I asked for it back and then she said "no" and proceeded to dump a vat of oil on me, and by vat I mean bucket. I felt like I was in a bad porno movie.  I was Rigor Mortis. I'm certain of this because she was trying to jiggle my thigh and saying over and over "no, shy, no shy, we both girls". I finally yelled back at her "I am shy and I'm freezing and I want my sheet".  She still didn't give me my sheet. Anytime her hands started to go anywhere near where they shouldn't, I had to elbow her arm away.  I felt like I was shopping at Walmart. Finally she got the picture and I was directed to flip over (still no sheet). All I could think of were my co-workers that had frequented India.  I wondered if they knew that this is how shit went down around here. Had they had a massage here before? I thought that India was conservative?! This woman was 65! Did I look like I came in there for some action? Is this customary for women clients? I needed some answers and I needed them NOW! I could not wait to get back to my room to start with my interrogation process.

The grand finale (for me) of this massage  given the high volume of oil used, was a shower.  Surprise, surprise, I had to get up off the bed full monty and get in the shower that was conveniently located in the same room. This sick bitch watched me shower. Shockingly she gave me a towel that was locked up in a case with a guard and a secret password where they keep the cozy blankets.

Reflecting back, I should have fled the scene. However I liken it to a situation my very close friend found herself in. She was totally naked with a guy and she realized he legitimately had a micro penis. She grabbed her clothes and left. It's awkward. Both situations are awkward and in the moment you don't necessarily handle it the way you would after you step away and think about it. Except I wouldn't have to think about the micro penis either, I would run to my car naked also. #sorry.

February 26, 2015

Top 5 Reasons Why I'm a Hot Yoga Failure

It's lures you in, the photos of supermodels in Brazil on the beach in their yoga poses or even doing yoga in their living rooms with their well behaved perfect babies. This "yogee" lifestyle that comes complete with Giselle Bundchen's body, a dewy glow, and a positive attitude.

Well my battle I will call it, started about 15 years ago when the whole Bikram yoga "thing" was then more of a trend and less of a lifestyle. I went with 2 girlfriends to a studio not knowing what this craze was all about. Heat was rising, shirts were coming off, the room was starting to smell of feet, and being a girl who still unfortunately gets the church giggles, I lost my everliving mind when the man in front of me was showing a solid 6" of his butt crack.   Needless to say we all got kicked out for our inappropriate behavior.  I'll tell you what was inappropriate, that man's sweaty crack. You can see the foreshadowing already.

Fast forward to 3 kids later and hot yoga has become a lifestyle for all walks of life. However, I still had images of head stands on exotic beaches in a bikini, with Giselle Bundchen's body attached to it... and what the heck, her head as well, why not! So I was going to to do this, hot yoga was going to be my way of life moving forward.

This brings me to my Top 5 list of why I'm a failure and why this was both the beginning and the end of Hot Yoga for me.

1. Lack of Proper Equipment - I went to Marshalls and bought a new pink yoga mat.   I thought  this was sufficient until I noticed that everyone else had another layer that they put on their mats. Not only did they put this "layer" down on top of their regular yoga mats, they all had squirting water bottles and they were squirting this "layer" down with water. Seemed like some voodoo cult shit to me. This kind gentlemen next to me told me that I was going to slide all over my mat and that I was going to have to purchase one of those "layers".  I went into the pro shop and noticed they were $60 and decided I would take my chances, I'd rather buy a new shirt for $60.

2. 90 minutes Ohmmmmmg!  - Apparently I missed this part when I looked at the schedule. As the instructor was doing the warm up/meditation where we had to make weird chanting noises that I totally faked because, I'm not making those noises in front of strangers…. I heard her mention that class was 90 minutes. 90 minutes of any type of workout is torture for me because I like to keep it moving and not on a yoga mat. It was quite clear that this wasn't the type of class you could just scoot out early as I would literally need to step over about 100 wet bodies to do so. I don't do well with relaxing with my thoughts. I knew that for 90 minutes I was going to compile tomorrows to-do list. This is my issue, I'm well aware.

3. Nobody Likes a Dutch Oven - Every boyfriend I have ever had would find it hysterical to fart in bed and throw my head under the covers. You can find a similar experience in hot yoga.  There are those that fart loudly which made me laugh and therefore look like a child. Obviously this is par for the course and a regular occurrence and the "Lifestyle members" were giving me side eye so I really had to breathe deep (and the air was thick) and focus on eliminating these giggles. Then there are the ones that cause the Dutch Oven effect. They don't make me laugh. They make me insanely angry. In fact, I look around the room for them as if I can spot them out in the crowd and call them out for their vile lack of self control. They can hold all these poses, yet they cannot hold in a fart. I call bullshit.

4. Adult Slip -N- Slide - This is where the importance of having the proper equipment comes into play. I cannot tell you exactly what we were doing but let's just say that everyone else had their feet firmly planted on their mats and I was sliding all over the place in my own sweat. When we were laying on our mats I was suctioned to my mat and to my sheer horror, I made a fart noise with my body due to all  of all my pooling sweat and because I didn't have that damn "layer". The only option was to recreate the sound right"?  So, I was rolling around like I was having an epileptic seizure trying to make another body fart sound so everyone knew that I didn't actually fart. I was successful, but I think I overdid it.

5. Head Stands & Epidurals - I think I have a pointy head. So, when we got to this part of the class I refrained given the close quarters. I had bad images of the girl humping her mat to recreate a body fart, then taking down half the class in a domino effect with her failed headstand attempt. So I watched. A choice that I still have flashbacks of. I noticed a familiar face and some unfamiliar balls. The Dr that gave me my epidural with my son was wearing a small swimsuit with an unsupportive netting, and voila, my Dr.'s balls and his upside-down face. #scarredforlife.

I think most people leave hot yoga feeling wonderful. I left feeling like someone had just freed me from a dark hole. I don't ever want to go back and I'm fairly certain they don't want me back either. Namaste.  

February 24, 2015

I promise I didn't give birth to my baby in a bathroom stall…..

I consider myself to be a good juggler at this game of life. Having 3 kids and a business, I have gotten very good at multitasking and I'm always up for a challenge. However, on this particular night, there was a 5 car pile up so-to-speak that got the best of me.

My youngest daughter Hadley was about 3 weeks old, My oldest Jake was 5, and my middle daughter Emmerson was 2 1/2 (and in the middle of being potty trained). Also with me, was my boyfriends second youngest who was 6. We were headed to a charity basketball game for the Patriots players both current and retired. I felt good, I had the kids in their PJ's so they could be easily transported to bed after the game, I brought snacks in my diaper bag,  and I was wearing my new purple skinny jeans (colored skinny jeans were "in" then) and this was a night out without maternity clothes!

Hadley was all of 9 lbs at the time so I just held her, no stroller, no Bjorn, a decision I came to soon regret. My 2 year old was dancing to the music and having a great time, but It turned quickly.  When out of the corner of my eye I saw a basketball go flying past my head and hit a man on the head. Seconds later, I see a puddle form.  Emmerson had wet her pants in the stands.

So, I gather the 3 kids and my 3 week old. Not that she needed to be gathered, she was soaking wet in my arms from the pool of sweat that formed in knowing that my 2 year old was unzipping into her vicious self and I needed to go perform and exorcism in the bathroom, as well as a clean-up.

I marched the kids in the bathroom. I had my 2 year old on the potty and she needed to be wiped, but I had my 3 week old in my arms. I couldn't very well have my 5 year old hold her nor could I have a random  stranger hold her either. I tried to maneuver and do both, but I almost dropped my baby. I looked on the door and saw my Diaper bag hanging from the hook. It was the only viable option.  I put the bag on the floor and I stuck Hadley in the bag, I wiped Emmerson and I turned around to pull Hadley out of the bag but she wasn't in the bag. The bag had tipped over and she was face down on the bathroom floor. My brand new baby, on the dirty bathroom floor. I won't even start on the fact that I am a total germaphobe. I can only imagine what the people walking in must have thought.

Hadley will lick the wall at the pediatricians office or most recently licked a chair at the food court at Disney. I blame myself.