March 31, 2015

To Crossover or Not?

When people ask the question, at what point is it acceptable to fart in front of your significant other, or even worse go to the bathroom with the door open? My answer is a loud and resounding, F'NG NEVER!!!!

If you have never seen the "Sex and The City" episode when Carrie farts in bed with Mr. Big, you must watch it! There were so many clips I wanted to pull. The whole thing is hysterical. I have friends that "cross over" or "broke the barrier" and I don't know how they do it. I personally think that there is an element of romance that diminishes when you cross over. This is a complete double standard. I know in my house, Christian walks  around farting all day. However, he won't fart in bed while I am in it. #decent

I recall a story (she is going to KILL me), when my sister was in her mid to late 20's living in NYC and doing the whole dating scene. I think my oldest was a baby at the time, and I got a phone call at about 8pm, she was whispering and frantic.  She was in the bathroom and her date was waiting in her studio (STUDIO!) apartment for her (I'm so dead when she reads this). She told me she went to pee before they headed out for their date. Side note; I would never have done this for the mere fact that I wouldn't even want him to hear me pee. Ok… so she was peeing and she farted. (I'm legitimately embarrassed all over again for her while I'm typing this).  I told her that I personally would never come out of the bathroom. I wasn't helping matters. The fact that she was still in the bathroom and clearly on the phone, was even more of a train wreck. She was asking if I thought he heard her, to which I'm sure my response was something to the extent of "hell to the yes"!!!! I don't sugar coat. If you want to feel better, don't ever call me, If you want honesty, I am your girl. I don't know what happened on that date, she's married to a great guy. I'm pretty sure she won't speak to me for a while now, so I can't really inquire and follow up. She will plot some form of payback to which I will return the favor and the cycle will never end. #mature

Now…. deep Breath. I have many horrifying stories but this is in the top 5 of all time. I am vehemently against "crossing over" in any shape or form.  I don't discuss going to the bathroom with Christian, I come from the school of "girls don't poop or fart".  I try to instill this in my girls, to which I am failing miserably at thus far. I always lock the bathroom door and I always go to the bathroom on a floor where nobody is located (except my kids because they are stage 5 cling on's and I cannot get rid of them). One morning, and I remember this morning vividly, I must have forgotten to lock the door.  Christian barged in like a damn Gorilla and saw me on the toilet. I got up and slammed the door on his face. We never name call,  but I'm pretty certain I called him every name in the book for  being an neanderthal, for not staying down stairs like he was supposed to, and for not knocking. His response was "you still look really cute with your pants around your ankles"…. I proceeded to cry, and I'm not a crier, I literally NEVER cry. I was furious and embarrassed and I was balling my eyes out because my boyfriend just saw me on the toilet. It was awful and I felt like I needed to break up with him immediately. How do we recover? He was totally unfazed and I was scarred for life. How do people do this? How do people fart and sit on the toilet in front of their significant others and then still have the same level of attraction? I have walked by the bathroom and seen Christian on the toilet and I felt like I needed a lobotomy afterwards. It was a visual that I never want to see again. I'm seeing it now just writing about it.  Now he knows to tell me to leave the toilet paper outside the door rather than cracking the door and throwing it at him.

My girlfriend has been with her boyfriend for a couple years and she knows that she farts in her sleep and she doesn't care about what she can't control (I would still think about separate beds). She texted me the other night and said that she was sitting on the couch and openly for the first time farted in front of him due to a combination of wine and Oreo cookies. Time to pack your bags and hightail it out of there sister! Deep down he's looking at you a little differently. Your not the shiny new girlfriend. You are the amazing love of his life that ripped a fart on the couch.

I know that I am extreme. Based on my crying episode  Christian thinks I have issues and am in need of serious help. I call it polite and ladylike. This topic often comes up between me and my girlfriends, mostly because it's hysterical and doesn't every conversation lead to bathroom talk? Do you break the barrier? Should you ever crossover? Is that the kiss of death in a relationship? Does it kill the romance? I think it's clear how I feel about this but I know opinions drastically differ here. #whateverworks

March 13, 2015

I love my kids dearly but….

I dream of exotic vacations and trips to Europe that last longer than 4 days and don't involve what I thought was a Disney princess but come to find out was a fraud. I wonder what I would do with all that extra money if I didn't have to put it into 529 plan's and If I could play the stock market a little more aggressively those boots instead of just pinning them on my Pinterest page.

She claimed to be "Belle" The faces say it all

Well, those are all just pipe dreams and things that I only have seconds to ponder over because I don't have time to actually daydream because as I write this before the bus comes, My 2 /12 year old wandered in with a life size pencil wearing her hot pink tutu and peed on my office floor.  Here are just some of the things I miss most about my "kid-free" life.

Eating - I cannot enjoy a meal unless I get a sitter and go out to dine. The very second I sit down, the kids either hijack my food or ask me to get them something. This is a great diet, but not when you are starving.  If I initially made them what I was eating, they wouldn't eat it. It's only appealing on my plate. The photo below is My middle daughter Emmerson trying to kick down the door while I locked myself in the bathroom to eat my sushi.

Emmerson disrupting my lovely sushi dinner in the bathroom

Going to the Bathroom - I don't know what it's like to go to bathroom without an audience. If I do go in there  alone and lock the door, It sounds like the FBI is trying to barge down my door using strong force. I recall a time when I was at the supermarket and I was in the midst of potty training my son. We were at the deli counter with a few other people whom were listening to our conversation and I know this because I saw them smirking. I was going through the list of his friends and family that go "pee pee"and "poo poo" on the potty and he proceeded to respond with,  "yeah mommy and you go blood" (TMI - I'm sorry) I had smoke under the wheels of my cart and suffice it to say we didn't get anything from the deli that week.

Car Rides - I used to love my car rides to work where I could listen to my music. I would listen to  Justin Timberlake, John Legend, or James Morrison, and this is when I could daydream.  Now,  the kids take turns picking their favorite song of the moment.  This typically consists of Pitbull or Ne-yo. This is fine, but it's on constant re-play and I don't get a "turn",  ever. Then the 3 kids  never want to take the 3rd seat option, they choose to sit right next to each other and this ALWAYS ends badly.  Pitbull is playing for the 15th time and someone is red faced and crying. #torture

Showers - I could easily shower for 45 minutes because I'm always cold and I used to love a nice long shower. Now, my feet hit the ground at 5am, I start the shower and one by one the kids come into the bathroom with their blankets and stuffed animals and sit outside the shower door and watch me shower (kind of like the masseuse in India). Sometimes if I am lucky, they come in and pee on me.

Sleep - I used to sleep and now I don't and I don't think I ever will again. That's all.

A Clutter Free Home - Haha!

Getting Ready - Doing my makeup and hair used to be one of my favorite things about going out. After kids, not-so-much. Now, I have to get everyone else ready first and then whatever time is left over is mine, which is usually about 10 minutes. When I do start working on myself, the girls now come in and start grabbing everything in my makeup bag and end up smearing their faces with the darkest makeup they can find.  Lately they are into having their hair curled or flat ironed which is both a process and a hazard. #learnedthehardway.  If I had a disposable income, I would undoubtedly spend it on a hair and makeup team. #dreamcometrue

Despite what I have listed above I wouldn't change a thing. I could write a much longer list of all the amazing ways my kids have changed my life for the better but that would not be any fun to read now would it?

I'm probably sarcastic in my sleep too! 

March 05, 2015

Massage Customs Around the Globe…. My Unfortunate Discovery

So you think a "happy ending" is just for men? Well I'm here to tell you that is not the case. I have neck issues and I'm always looking for a great spa experience. My work has brought me all over the world and given the long flights and  even longer workdays, I make sure to always treat myself to some sort of spa treatment at the hotel spa…I do not venture off of the reservation.

I'm going to break this down by 3 very different experiences in 3 countries.

USA - This was a very high end spa right on Newbury Street in Boston that has since closed. I had been given a "day of beauty" and a one hour massage was part of the package. I'm not a huge fan of a male masseuse and now I  actually refuse. #1, it's awkward for both parties. #2, they have to spend so much time folding the towel properly as to not expose any body parts that it just becomes an hour of towel origami.  #3, (and the issue with this particular massage), it becomes sexual or at least can feel that way. This was a 60 minute massage, and a solid 30 minutes was spent on my ass. He shaped my leg into a  number 4 (which has never been done before nor since this massage).  He then proceeded to  keep telling me that this is where I "held all my tension".  I was only 21 years old so at the time, I wasn't as brazen as I am today at 37, but I wanted to say,  "my ass is tense because I'm so uncomfortable that you won't get your hands off of it".  Well, I then had to do a backwards number 4 because wouldn't you know, the other side was just as tense. I did however complain after the fact and they offered me another complimentary massage, to which I  declined.

China - This could go in a million directions. However, I am not going to tell someone else's story, though I do have some great ones, #steeltrap.  I will simply tell my own amazing experience. China has the BEST reflexology and head massages and before the hectic schedule begins, my favorite thing to  do is start the trip off with both. I don't know many women who don't love a good foot rub.  I highly recommend this. It helps with jet lag, headaches, wrinkles and life…I wish!  However, I will say that If you're a guy, I hear that you actually need to say that you don't want  a "happy ending" or they just assume that you do and they keep on going. Interesting right? Perhaps this isn't in the Mandarin or Peninsula Hotel and may be on some sketchy side street but given my next story I wouldn't put it past the hotel massage offering. #justsaying

This brings me to my final  country and I was hesitant about even writing on this topic because I am still horrified and embarrassed. But full disclosure I suppose, literally.

India - I was 27 years old, This was my first time in India, and my 2 week buying trip was nearing an end. My co-worker and I decided we more than deserved a spa treatment after sitting on dirty floors in factories for 2 weeks picking out Holiday merchandise. She chose a pedicure (wise choice) and I chose a massage (worst decision of my life). I hopped on the bed (I kept my underwear on) and there was a thin sheet to cover myself with.  I was not thrilled with this. I like more of a cozy blanket and heated bed but, I was in India and desperate so beggars can't be choosy right? My masseuse came in. She was about 65, give or take. I was face up to start and she ripped my paper thin sheet off completely. Instinct was to cover myself  as I was cold and half naked. Then it took a horrifying turn. She started to rip off my underwear. OK, now I feel immediately violated (of course), first because I am  totally naked  and second because I'm shivering from being freezing and nervous.  She sees my discomfort and then says "no shy, we both girls". I then think to myself "OK, when in India I guess" and I try to relax.  I assumed, she was going to give me back my sheet. She did not. I asked for it back and then she said "no" and proceeded to dump a vat of oil on me, and by vat I mean bucket. I felt like I was in a bad porno movie.  I was Rigor Mortis. I'm certain of this because she was trying to jiggle my thigh and saying over and over "no, shy, no shy, we both girls". I finally yelled back at her "I am shy and I'm freezing and I want my sheet".  She still didn't give me my sheet. Anytime her hands started to go anywhere near where they shouldn't, I had to elbow her arm away.  I felt like I was shopping at Walmart. Finally she got the picture and I was directed to flip over (still no sheet). All I could think of were my co-workers that had frequented India.  I wondered if they knew that this is how shit went down around here. Had they had a massage here before? I thought that India was conservative?! This woman was 65! Did I look like I came in there for some action? Is this customary for women clients? I needed some answers and I needed them NOW! I could not wait to get back to my room to start with my interrogation process.

The grand finale (for me) of this massage  given the high volume of oil used, was a shower.  Surprise, surprise, I had to get up off the bed full monty and get in the shower that was conveniently located in the same room. This sick bitch watched me shower. Shockingly she gave me a towel that was locked up in a case with a guard and a secret password where they keep the cozy blankets.

Reflecting back, I should have fled the scene. However I liken it to a situation my very close friend found herself in. She was totally naked with a guy and she realized he legitimately had a micro penis. She grabbed her clothes and left. It's awkward. Both situations are awkward and in the moment you don't necessarily handle it the way you would after you step away and think about it. Except I wouldn't have to think about the micro penis either, I would run to my car naked also. #sorry.