August 26, 2016

Pet Peeves - Perhaps we all need to Chill

My sister and I found ourselves saying all too often "oh my god, that's my biggest pet peeve"! Then we realized there should probably be a limitation as to how many "pet peeves" one person should really be allowed before they are just considered a whiny a-hole. So I think it went from five, to three. Three seems reasonable. I mean, why can't I be super annoyed with three things without  being deemed as uptight? I think there are some "pet peeves" that are somewhat universal.

Let's define "pet peeve". According to Wikipedia a "pet peeve" is a is a minor annoyance that an individual identifies as particularly annoying to themselef, to a greater degree than others my find. According to the Urban dictionary (my dictionary of choice), it's an irritating experience caused by others in which you cannot control.

I'm going to start with my own "pet peeves" in no particular order because those whom exemplify such behavior all suck just the same.

Lazy People - I realize this is totally vague and how does one really define a lazy person in a short paragraph? But I will give some brief examples.  Also,  I realize I may not be making any new friends with this one, but here I go regardless… If you don't work all night, don't have a newborn,  if your kid wasn't up all night sick, and you don't have insomnia, (there are other situations unmentioned, Im aware) then put your damn clothes on when you drop your kids off at school if your getting out of the car, or running into Walgreen's or Dunkin Donuts. Nobody needs to see your nasty faded out flannel Pajama pants that you've clearly been farting in all night at 9am. Also, if your house is in shambles, you don't need your afternoon nap.  Clean your house. I could write an entire blog on laziness, but I think you get the idea here. Just be a productive human being. I'm a total douche with this one I realize.

The non-wavers - I read this to my husband and he said this was a Seinfeld episode. I never saw it…. This makes me insanely angry.  When I allow someone to go in front of me in traffic, thus waving them through, and then they drive through like entitled fuckers and don't give me the courtesy thank you wave back, I see red. It makes me want to chase them down in my car to let them know I take back letting them go in front of me. However,  I know I would then look crazy, so I just drive along knowing I did a good thing and that piece of shit  is going to crash his/her car #karma:)

Late People - Ok, of course there are extenuating circumstances that make us all late every now and again, but if I'm going to be late, I am sweating, apologizing profusely, letting the person on the other end know to the exact minute when I will be arriving. I cannot stand lateness. I think it's disrespectful and rude. You now you need to be somewhere at a specific time, plan accordingly. Everyone has a busy life. I have 3 kids and a company, You will never hear me use that as an excuse. I find that "late people" are always late and they usually just stroll in chill as can be not really sorry for the lateness. I have learned to lie to my late friends and family about the actual start times of events. #ifyoucantjointhembeatthem

Here are my Husbands :

People who Fish for Compliments - He doesn't do Facebook but all his friends are on it so he knows about all the facades that go on. He hates when people portray themselves as something they are not to elicit a certain positive response. The whole "look at me, aren't I awesome" when reality is the total opposite. #allshownogo

Litter Bugs - This is self explanatory. I hate a dirty car so this is usually a negotiation.. Not that I support littering but if it's something an animal would enjoy, I'd like to let it fly.

Smokers - He hates smoking, and even more, hates when smokers throw their used cigarettes out the car window (see littering). He thinks that it's their choice to smoke and why would we have to deal with their cigarette trash in our environment. #truth

Now below is a list that I have compiled from family and friends alike. I feel as though after everyone reads this blog post we will all be super aggravated with humankind in general,  or conversely feel better about our own individual annoyances.

Loud Chewing - I feel like this is pretty universal as this came up several times. This is just part of having good manners, or not.

Being Interrupted - It's funny that this was mentioned, because I do find this to be irritating. I go out with my husband, my sister and brother in-law and they are so loud that when I try to tell a story they all just talk over me. It's uncanny the person who added this one to the list actually….

Repeating Oneself - #what?

Loud Walking - Ummm this person should never come to my house. There are a bunch of elephants here and my 4 year old is the worst one.

People Spitting - I mean… does anyone enjoy this?

Men or Boys Picking their Nails in Public - Yeah, why don't you just clean out your belly buttons while you're at it boys #notsanitary.

People who Refuse to Accept Responsibility for their own Actions - This is a big one! Lack of integrity just means you're a shitty person #theend.

Train Assholes taking up 2 seats - Amen! These people should be sat on.

Slow Walkers/Cell phone users - I'm going to take this as people who are walking and texting on their cell phones at the same time. I wholeheartedly agree. In fact, I think they should pull over to the side as if they were driving. This is dangerous and could cause a pile- up of strange people on the side walk and nobody wants that.

Pumping Gas - Ok, I appreciate a full service gas station myself. Not sure this would be considered a "pet peeve" though. I may declare this individual a tad high maintenance/cranky.

Gym "sweaters"aka  people who sweat too much at the gym - Well shit… your just gonna hate on someones gym hustle? #thatscold.  I do understand if they don't clean off their machine, but that was not specified.

Loud Train Talkers - Agreed! You know this dude is making a fake call discussing his multi-million dollar deal, and he's screaming so loudly about it so that all of his train mates are super impressed with his powerful status #NOT #shutthefuckup #noreally

Ill Fitting Sweat Pants - Fine this is mine again. Think 80's hanes with the elastic ankles. Nobody should wear these, adults nor children. Christian has a hideous pair of sweats.  They are light grey and huge. He works out in them and then they get sweaty and even more repulsive and he rolls them at the top. There are pockets…. I really need to just make them disappear. My girlfriends all make fun of me because I refuse to wear sweatpants. This should really be my second #3. Sweatpants are a slippery slope.  Who looks good in sweatpants? With men, there are so many things that can go terribly wrong, I won't elaborate, I don't need to. With women, don't you think there are other things that look better that are just as comfy? #idigress. My Pet Peeve is really Men in sweatpants because I cannot handle looking at their package in sweats. There you have it! #toomuchwiggleroom.

This is NOT OK! And this is #bestcasescenario

I'm going to end this there. But please do let me know some of your pet peeves.


April 06, 2016

Adult Spring Break Done Right

There many different kinds of vacations. The "work" trips which by definition in our family consist of a trip with all of the kids that are not in any way shape or form relaxing. There is fighting, crying, lack of sleep, shared beds all around, someones always coughing all night or talking in their sleep and in turn someone else is totally pissed off.  It's days and days of sleep deprived children and parents feasting off of junk food that we would otherwise never be eating. Or desperately searching for a restaurant that doesn't have a 2 hour wait, or better yet, a restaurant that will cater to all the kids finicky needs.  Let's be honest, it's not fun, it's work, it's grueling. There are lots of fun moments, but at the end of the day, the parents are more exhausted after the trip than before we departed. Don't you feel like you need a vacation just after reading this?

Then there are the "once in a lifetime" trips. Maybe you travel to Europe for 2 weeks, or perhaps you're on and African Safari or wherever your "once in a lifetime" trip happens to be.  There are quick weekend getaways,  ski trips, adventure trips... there are so many kinds of trips one will take in their lifetime. But…. Christian and I just hit the holy grail of trips in terms of basic necessity when you work hard in your career all year, and you work hard day in and day out with the daily hustle with the kids… you know the drill, sports, homework, meals, bath time, bedtime routine….blah, blah, blah… As parents and career folk, and many of us whom juggle both, we cram and shuffle a lot in our daily lives. So what better way then to escape it all with your closest friends and partake in an Adult ONLY Spring Break.

We pretty much encountered perfection where this concept is concerned so I feet equipped to offer you some key points of what  "To-Do" in order to make your trip as successful and fun as ours was.

1. Get a Badass Crew Together - This is without a doubt THE most important part of your trip. No Debbie downers allowed. You cannot allow that bad energy into your trip. Fun First! We were very lucky our whole crew was amazing, down for whatever, whenever. If a couple wanted a head in a little earlier one night because they needed to take an Arubian pregnancy test to make sure they weren't expecting another baby… no problem! Respect every ones vacation and don't expect anything from anyone. There is no space for uptight people. Leave them at home with their whiny kids.

2. Assign a Mixoligist for each Day - The guys hit the local liquor store and bought enough liquor and mixers to open up a side business. The plan was for each guy to man the bar and make drinks on the beach everyday for the group. I think Christian and Tim ended up the bartenders most days, but it was a good plan nonetheless.  #teamwork

3. Music Video's are a Must!  - I never knew about this app, but it's called "Triller", it edits music videos for you and it's amazing! We did 2 videos,  one of which is totally gangsta, the other….mmmmnotsomuch. We have all the words down perfectly in the "gangsta" video and the other one is a hot mess. But it's on the beach, we caused a huge scene and most importantly we had a blast making it.  My point is, when you are with all of your friends, you just can't give a shit. We had so much fun making it and who knew that "Uptown Funk" was so hard to lip-sync! The "G-thang" video broke up our little party via the hotel security.... as mentioned #gangsta.

4. Sunscreen - Ok, I realize this sounds totally ridiculous, but when your go away with your friends you want to be able to hang, so here is my public service announcement. Wear your damn sunscreen!      
Our friend Tim, apparently a master tanner, put on an accelerator for indoor tanning beds on day 1... he's tan year round and he was so red he was practically purple.  My brother-in-law ended up with the nickname "baby huey" (photo below) and in the spa all afternoon in a seaweed wrap sucking his thumb crying for his mommy with a horrific sunburn while we were all partying on the beach. Don't be baby huey. Wear your sunscreen so you can hang with your friends. 

5. Group Dinners - Respect that everyone may be coupled up and may not always want to do the group dinner thing but try to do at least one big group dinner. We did a few, and the first night I thought we were going to get kicked out due to our completely filthy topics of conversation and loud crew.  However, our game of "Dare" really made not only the other restaurant goers fall in love with us but the staff did as well. This is something my sister and I have been doing for years. We eliminated the "truth" aspect out of the "truth or dare" game and we just go for the fun part. So, to give you some ideas, we had my nephew go crash and sing with restaurant entertainment that evening. We also had my sister and my cousins wife do shots with various tables on their knees and say "whaaaatttttsss uppppp".  We had my nephew also convince the waitress to take her glasses off and shake out her pony tail like in the scene from "she's all that". This may be a "you had to be there" type of moment, but this required some serious skill.

6. Experience the Locals - Weather it's a sunset cruise or a cab ride with a driver named Honey complete with  props and cheetah velour seats, it's always fun to experience one "touristy" thing while you're away. It's Adult Spring Break, you are with all your friends, sans children, #letloose.

7. Leave the Nickel and Dimers at Home- This is a good rule for life and not just for your Adult Spring Break, but it's imperative for your vacation. There is nothing worse than the couple that sits there and whispers about the bill together like they are negotiating over the sale price of a home.  Then when they pop their heads up  and they come back with "we will thrown down $40 because Susie only had a Caesar salad and an ice water"….. It's vacation, just know that you are going to be spending money, plan accordingly or don't go.

8. This isn't the Chain Gang- Look, just be cool, be easy breezy breezy and fun. Do not expect all your spring breakers to follow an itinerary. Just because you all came on this trip together, does not mean you need to be attached at the hip. Some people may want to go on a boat cruise, some may want to drink themselves into oblivion in their beach chair, some may want to do paddle board yoga. Respect every ones vacation and differences. I have been on trips before where people got mad at me because I didn't want to do what the "group" was doing that particular day #notcool. Everyone paid for their trip,  everyone is on their own vacation and should be able to enjoy it as they see fit. So long as everyone understands and respects this, there shouldn't be any issues.

9. Upgrades - Leave your pride at the door.  A wise man once said, (I'm not sure whom, because Christian hijacked my blog, which he's been dying to do,  and added this part, he may in fact be the "wise man") "it never hurts to ask" or "the answer is always no if you don't ask". I personally get mortified when Christian asks because he's like a bull in China shop... lacks finesse. This is an art form and requires a certain charm and while I find my husband charming in a rough around the edges kind of way, usually people who don't know who he is, do not.  Needless to say, we did not obtain an upgrade. This is kind of bullshit given the amount of money we spent on our wedding, but whatever.   Our good friend Tim was charming by nature and got the mack daddy of all upgrades where we were ultimately all able to party and get kicked out of due to some other uptight, non adult spring breakers, whom complained of our video making on the balcony, which by the way, was crucial in the success of our video #totallyworthit. My point is, have the smooth talking charmer in the group finagle an upgrade large enough to party like rock stars.

10. What's on Deck? - There is nothing more depressing than that last day of vacation when you know that reentry into reality is just hours away. The best way to deal with the post vacation blues is to plan your next getaway. It gives you a ray of hope in your otherwise monotonous daily life when you are just coming off of the best trip ever. Not only does this help boost your mood on the last day of the trip, it's great e-mail and texting fodder for when you are sitting back in your office with your fading tan and diminishing relaxed demeanor. You always need a trip on the horizon #amust #tillnexttime!

I would like to dedicate this blog entry to Tim Allen Brewster who suddenly passed away on March 19, 2016. Tim was family to us and a wonderful friend. He set the tone for our trip and made it the most amazing time for everyone because that is who he was. We are so thankful to have had this time with Tim and will cherish these memories forever #NOFILLERS

Click LinkSlide Show for Tim

February 24, 2016

Top 10 Reasons of Why Being a Lesbian is Appealing

Sometimes I daydream about how great it would be to live alone in a nice city apartment, all white furniture, no fingerprints anywhere.  If there is a dish in the sink, it's there because I left it there, or  I could order takeout every night instead of cooking dinner.  Then I realized that I enjoy interaction, and living alone would get lonely and what I really need is a wife. This brings me to my list. Here are my top 10 reasons of why being a lesbian is so appealing.

***Disclaimer - When I discuss men or women in my list, I want to preface, I I don't imply that this encompasses ALL men or ALL women.  I'm going off of friends stories and my personal experiences both past and present day.

1. No time for illness - Most women will shake off a common cold or even the flu and carry on about their day. I have known men who will require a Dr visit for a cold and or demand medication, lay in bed, whine, whimper, buy every OTC medication, down NyQuil at bedtime, just simply bitch. Christian just sent me a photo of a zit he had on his ass and said he needed to go to the Dr. At 10pm, he was going to get out of bed and go to the Emergency Room.  He has not had a Dr. in years but you better believe he had me find him one over this. If I had a wife, and we were both sick, nobody would ever know. #carryonnow

2. No finger licking - Get your mind out of the gutter. Christian and I were driving to NYC this past weekend and we were eating some foul gas station spicy trail mix. We didn't have any napkins and I think I wiped my hands on his seats (whatever, his car is gross anyways),  I could hear this loud smacking noise and out of the corner of my eyes I see his huge sausage fingers, one by one being cleaned off via his mouth. He saw me look at him in utter disgust because his response was "what, I always do this"… #Ican't #gagreflex. The germs alone…. there are so many things wrong with this. I don't think a wife would do this. Certainly no wife I would choose.

3. No Loose Undies - I have a theory that men have a difficult time throwing old underwear away. You know the kind that have holes in them that are ill fitting and lack elasticity basically all over. I'm sure that gay men and metrosexuals are excluded from this particular topic but then again, I'm not sure. I think it was the day before Christian and I had to go to the  town hall to get our marriage license,  he was walking around in quite possibly the grossest pair of underwear I have ever seen…. he farted and I said to him "you want me to marry you"? Suffice it to say we threw that underwear out that day. Women are very good about purging old underwear. I don't keep any for more than a year and we sure as hell don't wear loose fitting underwear that hangs down. #highandtight

4. Help with Laundry - There are 4 steps to doing the laundry... wash, dry, fold and then putting it away. I don't think men really understand that the latter 2 steps are the biggest pain in the ass and the most time consuming. If you're going to help with the laundry, help with steps 3 and 4. 1 and 2 are kind or useless. A wife would really be helpful here. I feel like we would really connect on this topic.

5. No Sports on TV - No explanation needed. I have exhausted every mini series on Netflix on my phone. I blame my failing eyesight on this.

6. Soft Feet - There is nothing worse than getting into bed and  getting stabbed by a sharp toenail. Or….feeling sandpaper rough feet on your legs. Women for the most part keep up with their pedicures and if we had a broken toenail you best believe it would be filed down. #hammertimeneednotapply

7. Quick in the bathroom - I have to factor in another 30 minutes onto Christian's workday because when he gets home he goes up to the bathroom and stays in there for a solid half an hour. I have never understood this. Girls don't go #2, but if they did, it would take 2 seconds! Just be efficient. I seriously think that they go in there to escape from the kids. It's just 30 more minutes of sports blogs, twitter or whatever floats their boat. But to put it bluntly… nobody needs to shit 1-2 times a day for 30 minutes. Girls don't poop or fart so there is nothing to dispute here really. I'd be winning with a wife.

8. Help with Hair/ Makeup -  I have always said that if I hit the lottery, I would love to have a personal makeup artist and hair stylist on staff because after having kids, I loathe getting ready. If I had a wife, I would have to find a woman in the beauty industry.  This would honestly be a dream. If Christian attempted to do my hair and or makeup I cannot even imagine… actually, I am going to ask him to have a crack at it and that will be part of another blog topic. I will post a photo. It will be tragic I'm sure.

9. No Razor Hijacking - I cannot for the life of me understand why razors are so damn expensive. But they are and I try to use mine for as long as possible. There is nothing more irritating than opening a fresh  razor with a nice new gel pad to find that it's clogged with your man's ball sack hairs. Sorry, but it's true. There's no bouncing back from that, It needs to be thrown away. A wife would stay on top of her grooming first off and therefore would not cause such destruction. Second, she most likely would have her own razor thus exhausting any possible annoyance over grooming.

10. A Timely Handyman - Look, I'm well aware of the games I play in order to get a picture hung, the recessed light bulbs changed or something ridiculously heavy moved. I ask 700 times,  then I attempt to do it myself in front of Christian so he thinks I'm going to fuck something up, because truly the threat of breaking my neck isn't great enough motivation. This isn't just Christian, it's been most of my past relationships as well. I have a handyman that I used to call and it was a great relationship. I call once, he came over, the tasks were completed, he got paid. If there was an issue here It's that I had to pay him, but it was only $30 an hour and he was really efficient.  I know most men are too proud for this but a wife…. NO WAY!!! In fact, I have a very long list for him at the moment. It's too bad I don't really have a wife. #ohwell