January 05, 2017

Bed Buddies For Life….. Is This Natural?

The Author of this Quote is a better woman than I will ever  be….

Weather you're married, life partners, or whichever relationship status title you may have given yourself and your respective "bed buddy", I'm going to assume that you share the same bed each night.  We all know why people are in the bed together at the beginning of the night,  but do they need to sleep there together all night? Sleep is of the utmost importance. There are endless studies that support this, so perhaps some people would get a better nights sleep if they were alone in their own beds. I'm not suggesting separate rooms. I think that's a fast track to trouble. I'm not even advocating separate beds. It's simply food for thought, a fun conversation starter if you will. Is it normal to share a bed with a person for the rest of your life? There are so many things that can go awry that are cause for disruption in what could/should otherwise be a peaceful nights sleep.

When I was growing up, my little sister and I started out sharing a room and my younger brother had his own room. Then as we grew a little older, each of us had our own rooms. Regardless of that, every single night my sister would come hijack my bed. I never understood why because we each had queen sized beds. This literally lasted until she would come in to find that I had snuck my boyfriend in the bed and there was no room left for her #timetogotoyourownbedsista. She is what I would define as a "needy sleeper". I don't think she could bare the thought of not sharing a bed. I  happen to think there are many people like this out there.

When you're in a new relationship, I get it , you're in love and you just want to be close to the person at all times.  You open your eyes in the middle of the night and the other person is staring at you to watch you sleep.  This is totally normal #ifyouareaserialkiller. But then reality and sensibility kicks in, and you realize that you have to start getting some sleep. Most men that I have dated have wanted to basically sleep on top of me, like cuddle me to death #passplease. Christian will say "let me know if I'm bothering you", because he knows how I am and doesn't get easily offended. That as it may,  he still has to either be holding hands or have a foot touching while we sleep #compromise. Couples figure out what works for them and in their relationship. But somewhere along that road, there are lumps in the mattress, so-to-speak.

After much discussion surrounding this topic over the years, and with many different people, I've come to realize there are plenty of common as well as not-so-common (non-sexual) issues between the sheets. I will start with what I would deem as the most collective issue, therefore making it the most problematic in terms of sleep disturbances, amongst us sleep deprived bellyachers.  Consequently,  this would make the "victims of the snorers" (sounds like a horror movie),  question our future "real estate" options within the bedroom or home,  as it relates to sleep. #locationlocationlocation

 Snoring - Christian travels five months out of the year and as such,  I get the bed to myself. On the nights where he is home, it's a god damn disaster... snoring, farting, rolling all over the place…It's a sleepless night for me. I spend my entire night trying to battle the on again/ off again snoring.  I take every solitary pillow in my room and pile them up on top of his face to muffle the sound just short of suffocation. If this doesn't work, I  then bluntly elbow him, and pretend I'm sleeping. He then will find the 700 pillows piled on top of his head,  look over at me pissed off, and the snoring resumes to it's original chainsaw-like decibel level. I should mention, the snoring in the Fall occurs because he gains 15-20 lbs, when the weight comes off, the snoring then stops #viola #backtomysilentsleeper.

I'm doing it wrong

Odd Quirks -  I know there are a lot of individual quirks that each of us possess in the comfort of our beds and in front of our chosen loved ones.  My sister, (she's going to kill me... again)  has an obsession with putting lotion on her feet and does so throughout the night. So much so, that her husband bought her an automatic lotion dispenser. However,  it doesn't stop there… she wears these romper style PJ's that have been tagged "the skunk pelt".  I believe they have been named this  because they are so worn the material only covers... well apparently nothing.  I suppose this might sound appealing to some, however when she lotions her feet 7,000 times a night  in the skunk pelt, she exposes both her vagina and asshole. I'm pretty sure there isn't anything sexual about someone continually lotioning their feet throughout the night with their buttonhole in your face. #callmecrazybut #supersoftfeet #softlikealadiesbutthole

Sleep Walking - There are several categories of sleepwalkers. This is not a factual nor clinical statement, I'm just saying this based on my data, which is purely a collection of funny stories from friends and family.  One type would be what I like to call "closet eater" sleepwalkers.  This is your average get out of bed, open the freezer, eat a pint of ice cream because it's way better to eat when nobody is watching, type of sleep walker… aka, #meandeveryothergirliknow! Oh! and this person isn't actually sleepwalking, but we, I mean they,  say they were sleepwalking.  Another category of sleepwalking would be what I call the "creepy as fuck" sleep walker. This is my daughter Emmerson. She will get up, come downstairs, pick up a toss pillow, run around the living room in circles giggling, go to the bathroom, and then go back to bed. I really hope she outgrows this before she starts dating. Lastly would be your everyday "psychopath sleepwalker". I am going to protect this person and not reveal his identity because he's actually not a psychopath at all.  My favorite example of his antics (according to his wife, because he does not recollect any of these events) would be when he got up, opened the window and started whistling out the window as if he were calling for a dog. His wife was sitting up in bed, silent, not knowing what to do, when he suddenly came back to bed, punched her, and fell right back to sleep. We laugh at this story because this is NOT an abusive situation (in his waking hours). But.. this might be an instance where they may want to consider separate rooms. #justathought

Sleep Talking - Talking in ones sleep in my opinion, is funny as shit! But I don't sleep next to a sleep talker, and therefore I can laugh at  the expense of others here. My ex husband used to speak in Italian in his sleep because it was his first language. It was of no use to me because I had no idea what he was saying. My friend's husband is a police officer and he clearly sees some crazy things because she says he shouts some insane things out in his sleep. My favorite story from her is that he shouts out… almost nightly..."BREAKER".. like he's in his patrol car on his radio.  You must  get the full effect though... picture it yelled out of the corner of his mouth, really loud and super fast towards the end.. Like this "BRRRRREEEAAKR"!!!! I hope I just did that the justice it deserved. If Christian was a sleep talker, I would take videos and post them on Instagram. It would be a nice addition to the sleep album which will hopefully make a nice book one day #yousnoozeyouloose.

Bed Wetting - I'm fairly certain we have all heard about a "friend" who's boyfriend peed on her in college because he got really drunk. Well, college is over and if someone is still wetting the bed because they drank too much… #growup. If there are other issues causing your mate to wet the bed, perhaps there are some circumstances for which he/she should be consulting their physician. I know of a couple that was super happy, newly engaged and then suddenly...not.  I came to find that the issue was that he was wetting the bed. I still don't know what the cause of issue was. Nevertheless, this would for sure be a deal breaker in terms of sharing a bed, never mind what it would do to the relationship as a whole. This would  make for a great "Sex and The City" episode if it were still on. Perhaps for the 3rd movie?  It's like the episode when that politician wanted Carrie to pee on him, except different. #unwantedgoldenshower

 This list could certainly develop and continue on as wives, husbands, girlfriends and boyfriends alike air their bed buddy grievances. Some of us share beds, some may have decided on other arrangements years ago that better suit their needs. #whateverworks! #whatevermakesyouhappy!